Silver in the Darkness
by SexinSatin
Summary: Set just after Ziva's return from Somalia. How does anyone put broken pieces back together? Not a healing sex trope story. However it will contain mature themes and content. Dark content and imagery proceed with fair warning
1. The Weight of Darkness

Ziva was pacing. Despite the size of the room the walls felt tight around her. For so long time had ceased to exist and now she knew with certainty it was nearing evening. The bright red numbers on the bedside clock did nothing to push away the darkness pressing against the windows. All the lights were on and still the threatening darkness tried to steal her breath.

For months the passage of time had been elusive, been used to taunt her, to torment her. She hadn't broken, not even for a moment in that hell-hole in the desert. But here in a hotel room in D.C. She was falling into little pieces. She'd been off the plane not more than ten hours and only two of those had been spent alone. Pacing, if she kept pacing, she kept breathing. Still the lights burning enough to rival a landing strip did nothing to stop the shaking. The darkness pressed at her, took her back to when they would put her in the ground beneath their feet and leave her there for uncountable hours. She hadn't broken then, but she was breaking now. Her skin itched; it had been almost painful to shower again. The water had felt like needles pressing on her dingy flesh. Proper bathing hadn't been allowed in her stay in the desert. The fluffy white towels provided by the hotel had been like sandpaper on her skin, causing flakes of skin to fall heavily to the floor as she rubbed. She was literally falling to pieces. The simple act of drying off had been agonizing, leaving her skin red and raw. But, she had needed that place, _them_ off of her. Pressing her hand to her ears she tried to force the remembered sounds out of her mind. Even beneath the ground she had heard the muffled sounds of their laughter, their footsteps as they came for her. Her chest hurt with the effort it was taking to breathe normally.

Pulling the provided bathrobe around her tighter she tried to ignore how thin she was, it only served to remind her of all she'd lost. As she turned in her furious pacing her overly long hair slapped at her cheek bringing tears to her eyes. It wasn't salvageable months of neglect had left it a gnarled mess. She had washed it and then conditioned it multiple times but it was pointless, and her strength was no longer what it had been. Merely showering had exhausted her, and the pacing wasn't helping. Maybe if she paced long enough, she could forget the darkness, hell on earth and the bathrobe chafing her already tortured flesh.

Her head whipped up at the knock on her door. She couldn't face them, couldn't face their need, their questions. Her body shook as she first stepped back from the door and then retraced those steps standing just within reach of the door.

"It's just me Ziva, no one else."

Ziva let her head fall against the door and winced at the forgotten bruise there. She had known he'd come. For an insane moment she thought of refusing him entrance and then nearly laughed out loud. He was not a man to be refused. Opening the door she took in the casual jeans, the take-out, the back pack but what she noticed most was his hair. The silver locks fell carelessly against his brow, she wondered how she would ever explain that he was the reason she was still sane. Not the years of training, not past experiences, him and the need to someday find out if that hair was as soft as it looked. The memory of him had sustained her when all else had failed her. In the darkness of the dry desert ground she'd been able to imagine what he would look like breaking through that darkness. The reality of seeing him gun in hand as part of a rescue she hadn't believed would really happen, had almost made her go mad. Until she'd stepped off the plane onto American soil she hadn't believed it wasn't a fantasy thought up by her mind.

"Can I come in?" Gibbs stood patient in the doorway, watching her consider his request. "I brought you some clothes."

Ziva didn't speak but motioned for him to enter. She stepped back fighting the urge to touch him while at the same time fearing it. The essence of who he was followed him; sawdust, and coffee momentarily pushing away the smell of sweat burned into her nostrils.

Gibbs set the takeout on the table and turned to face her. "You need to eat Ziva"

"I am not..."

"You will eat. I brought chicken soup, potato chips and root beer."

"Interesting combination."

"Trust me" he watched her flinch ever so slightly at the words but didn't take them back.

Ziva saw him sit at the table and begin pulling out the food. It did sound good. But food wasn't to be trusted. Even though logically she knew that it wasn't true here away from that darkened place.

Gibbs knew the war raging in her mind so he ate a few spoonfuls of soup from his own bowl before sliding it across the table indicating it was safe.

"Gibbs I know you would not..." her eyes found his trying to make him understand but not truly understanding herself.

"Ziva, it's okay. Now sit, please."

It was the please that finally allowed her to sit. Her legs were aching and the cease in movement was a welcome relief. Settling stiffly into the soft chair in the hotel suite Gibbs had rented her was painful, her muscles nearly making it impossible to hide the discomfort. She didn't want him to see her pain, to know why she hurt but he saw everything always had.

"I've been where you are tonight Ziva or at least as close as a man can get." Gibbs didn't force her to look at him instead he focused on his food. "I can help you if you let me. Or I can go."

Ziva almost shouted at him not to go, he was keeping the darkness at bay, the fear, the time to sleep. She wrapped her hand tightly around her spoon forcing back the urge to reach for his hand to stop him from standing. Instead, she ate and this time her stomach didn't clench in fear. The soup was warm and hearty, the chips were full of salt and tasted like home and Sundays playing poker with the team. The root beer bubbled down her throat tasting nothing like the stale metallic water she'd grown used to.

"You have no idea how glad I am you're back. I should have looked for you sooner.." Gibbs had failed her and he knew it. He'd let his anger at her cloud his judgment. They had danced around each other for so long that when she'd left he'd felt as though she'd betrayed him. When in reality he'd given her no reason to do otherwise. She'd made her mistakes but he often wondered how much of how he'd behaved had driven her to it.

Ziva's head snapped up "I never gave you a reason to look for me Gibbs. I left. I made poor choices." She felt her stomach rebel and pushed the food away. "I cannot eat anymore..."

"It will keep in a few hours try some more. I'm going to grab my backpack unless you want to hand it to me." Gibbs wasn't going to make any abrupt moves. Ziva was hanging by a thread. Something like an apology skirted through her eyes as she reached behind her and grabbed the bag off the floor. "I brought you some pajamas they are made of very fine cotton and they fit close so they won't rub against your skin."

Gibbs hadn't failed to notice the rawness of her skin. Wasn't hard to guess how it had gotten that way. This time shame washed through her brown eyes, shame that he'd seen her effort to rid herself of memories of the desert hell they'd found her in. Her eyes skipped away from his but not before he saw a soul searing pain that made his hands clench tightly. She hadn't allowed him to take her to a doctor, had refused even for Ducky to take a look at her. He knew why and the hot anger that poured through him at what she'd been through was nearly too much. He hid all of what he was feeling, knowing she didn't need his anger to add to her own.

Ziva unzipped the bag and the first thing she saw was blue fabric that felt a lot like heaven under her fingers. It would feel even better against her body. She couldn't look at him couldn't face him knowing he understood why her skin was raw, why it glowed red, she still felt far to unclean to face those bright blue eyes.

"When you're dressed Ziva bring your hairbrush to me," He saw her start to protest and then stop. For a long moment she just watched him and then nodded.

Gibbs was sitting on the edge of the bed when she came out. She'd expected that, she hurt and being on the bed would feel far better than sitting in the chair. That he knew this made her chest ache with unshed tears. Still she couldn't look at him so she sat next to him and handed over her hair brush. His hand carefully took the brush moving slowly, every movement controlled and telegraphed for her benefit. He knew the line she was walking, was aware that she was hanging on by a thread. Gibbs grabbed a bottle of detangling spray. Spraying her hair lightly he brushed her hair in slow short strokes. For a long while they sat in silence, simply breathing as he worked at her hair

"I am not weak."

"No you're not." He gently worked the brush, making the effort not to pull hard or tug. "I trust you Ziva, I've trusted you with my life, with my history and now I'm going to trust you with a secret." Her hair was gnarled, tangled even more than he'd anticipated but if it took all night he would untangle it for her.

"I was on a mission. We were recovering a very important piece of intel. Things got hairy and it was necessary for me to lead the enemy in a different direction than my team."

Gibbs didn't try to hide the emotion clouding his voice instead he focused on Ziva's hair. With infinite patience he gently worked at the tangles of the hair that had grown overly long. "I was alone without backup when the bad guys found me. There were six of them and only one of me. I almost made it away. For a long time I analyzed every move I made thought perhaps if I had fought just a little harder but in the end it didn't matter they overpowered me anyways." Gibbs was surprised when his voice faltered; he'd thought he'd gotten past the pain of feeling weak, helpless so terribly out of control. Maybe it was the way Ziva was shaking so close to him, the pain radiating from her that brought his back to the surface. Taking a deep breath he felt Ziva turn and met her warm brown gaze. The pain there was so raw and so much like his own that for a moment he simply stared. When she swallowed hard and turned away again he went back to brushing her hair.

"They locked me in a cell with no windows, no light, for days they tried to extract information but I refused to give it to them. They got pretty creative and yet still I managed to give them nothing but rank and serial number." Gibbs felt the terror of those days wash over him and his stomach turned at the thought of what Ziva had gone through. "They only had me about a week before my team found me. My team and I were tight back then and when they found me, well the way they found me we agreed we'd never talk about it, we'd forget it ever happened. But I haven't, you won't forget either Ziva but you will heal. I've never talked about this with anyone...It's not something a man talks about." He swallowed hard trying not to sink to far into the memory. "I never even told Shannon."

"Gibbs...you do not"

"For you Ziva I will because you are not weak and neither am I. The man in charge was a real bastard and when he realized no amount of pain would make me talk he decided humiliation was the next way to go. They took off all my clothes..." Gibbs felt Ziva sob and felt his fist clench around the hairbrush, he forced his mind away from thoughts of killing a man already dead. "Four of them held me down and my torturer began to undress. He told me in graphic detail what he planned to do...I actually felt his skin against mine ….. that's how my team found me." He felt Ziva let out a long breath, physically felt her relief for him and almost sobbed himself. This beautiful creature that'd been through so much was grateful he'd been saved in the nick of time even when she hadn't been. It took long moments of silence and breathing before he could make that work in his mind. Looking at the clock he realized more than an hour had passed since he'd begun brushing Ziva's hair. Looking down he saw that he was nearly done. Her hair fell long against her back, shining warm against the light blue of her pajamas. She smelled clean and fresh washing away the smells his memory had conjured.

"You survived Ziva and no matter what happened in that place you are still you." She was quiet still facing away from him her fingers worrying the edge of the blanket they were sitting on.

"They raped me." Ziva hadn't said the words yet, not out loud, not even to herself. She felt Gibbs' reaction in the way he pulled her close to him. She doubted he knew he did it and while she should have been startled by his touch, should have pulled away she instead leaned into him. He felt safe with his familiar scent and gentle touch.

Gibbs swallowed hard on the lump of bile that rose in his throat. He'd known or rather assumed but to hear her say it was like a body blow. He didn't realize he was crying till he saw the moisture against the coffee brown of her hair. "Do you want to tell me about it?" His mind screamed not to ask he didn't want the images, didn't want to picture her that way and yet she needed this and the images were already there.

"I..." Ziva didn't know how to answer. She trusted him knew she needed to get it out but how could he hear the details and ever look at her the same again.

"Ziva you don't have to tell me. If you do, know that nothing you tell me can change how I feel about you, how I look at you." He revealed far too much with his simple words. She knew it and he knew and yet he needed her to know. He saw her shock of his understanding, watched the way her eyes still wouldn't fully meet his.

"They had me for months Gibbs, after a while they got bored with the usual torture techniques. I was lucky I was only available to Emil and his closest men." She felt Gibbs's hands clench in her hair felt his anger and rather than scaring her it wrapped around her like a warm blanket. He hurt for her and somehow that helped. "It went on for a while but then suddenly about a month before you all showed up it suddenly stopped. I think perhaps that was when they found out who my Father was."

Gibbs didn't know what to say, knew that no words could make her feel better. He continued brushing her hair even though it was free of tangles now. He wasn't sure if it helped her but it soothed him, gave him something to do with his hands. "I'm sorry" it wasn't enough but it's all he had.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not telling me I will get over it, that I will be fine."

Gibbs chose his words carefully "You will never "get over it" Ziva. You will get past it but it will always be a part of you. I'm not fool enough to tell you otherwise."

Ziva turned to face him and her face was wet. He hadn't realized she'd been crying. Unable to stop himself he reached out to stroke her cheek. He saw her start to flinch and then stop herself. He smiled and she smiled back.

"You probably do not want to hear this but it bugs me. They always used condoms. Why would they do that Gibbs?"

Gibbs really wanted to beat the hell out of something; instead he noticed that Ziva was touching his hands with her own; tracing the calluses, and cuts like they were a talisman. "I don't know Ziva. Maybe they were worried you would get pregnant and didn't want to deal with a ….prisoner in that condition." His first instinct had been to soften his words, but she didn't want that she wanted honesty.

"I had not thought about that. They were very careful to avoid me when I was on my period. It is a Jewish thing."

Gibbs nodded, when he'd found out Ziva was to be on his team he'd studied the religion and knew what she was referring to. He would have commented but Ziva yawned and her eyes blinked slowly. "You should sleep Ziva"

Ziva pulled back and stared at night through the window shuddering. "I do not think I can. I am afraid of the dark. They would put me underground when...whenever. I am afraid to sleep." She looked away from him ashamed to admit such a thing.

Gibbs stood pulling the drapes on all the windows and came back to the bed. This time he sat up by the head headboard, toeing off his shoes he waited. "You need sleep Ziva, trust me." This time when he said the words she didn't flinch just watched him carefully.

Ziva watched him lying casually against the headboard, hands out in front of him, open to show she had nothing to be afraid of. Somehow she wasn't afraid, she should have been but Gibbs didn't scare her. She made her way up the bed and lay next to him. She wanted very much to ask him to hold her but she found she couldn't speak the words. So she curled next to him savoring the feel of his warmth.

Gibbs saw her silent question and knew also why she didn't ask. He smiled to himself and ever so gently slid down till she was tucked in against him. He wrapped an arm around her and felt the sigh of relief puff out of her. Any other time holding her so close would have brought his body to instant arousal but the softness of her breathing and the trust she was showing him cooled him. He was surprised at how quickly she fell asleep. For a long time he savored the smell and feel of her, knowing she was safe and home. It wasn't long till he drifted off himself.


	2. I'll Fight for You

Ziva woke up almost screaming it was only through sheer force of will that she kept it from breaking through her throat to spill over her lips. Somehow she managed to force it to remain silent trapped inside her. It took a moment to realize she wasn't underground and it wasn't dark. Light flooded the room and the mattress beneath her was soft. The man lying next to her was not. He was still, breathing steadily in the depths of sleep but his body wrapped around hers was iron hard against her. She waited for the fear to come, for the waves of nausea to take over but they didn't. She was both surprised and not. He moved so slightly still not waking and his body pressed more firmly against her. It was instinctive as was his hand wrapped in her hair. She knew that, knew if he'd been awake he would have pulled away and despite her fears, her hurt she didn't want him to pull away. Had another man tried to be close to her she would have fallen apart and yet to be held so intimately by Gibbs she felt a bit of her sanity return. It shouldn't have been this way they had been nothing before she'd left. Nothing if you didn't take into account the occasional moment of eyes meeting, speaking their mutual hatred of rule twelve.

Unable to stop herself she reached out to touch his hair. Her entire time in that hell she had never once believed he would come for her. She had hoped prayed and wished but had never really believed he would. She hadn't given him reason to search for her, had instead given him and the rest of the team every reason to hate her. She hadn't broken but at some point she'd stopped caring what would happen to her. When she'd been alone, it was Gibbs that had kept her from going mad, his face, the smell of him and oddly his hair. Something so unique to him, prematurely gray looked good on him and from the moment she'd met him she'd wondered what it would feel like to run her hands through it, feel it clenched in her fingers while he made love to her. She felt a jolt of desire sweep through her and paused, her hand shaking. What kind of woman was she, she'd been raped, used again and again and yet here she was scarcely a month after they finally stopped their abuse and already feeling desire.

Gibbs had woken to feel Ziva pressed against him, her hands in his hair and her mouth mere inches from his. He remained still felt her gentle touch and tried not pull her closer but his body wasn't as patient as he was. It urged him to take her and pull her beneath him. He clenched his fists silently. He watched her through veiled eyes, cataloging the storm of emotions. It wasn't till he saw shame naked and raw wash over her that he broke his silence. "Don't Ziva, you are not anyone else, how you heal is up to you and no one else."

Ziva caught her breath when she realized he was awake and had been watching her. She couldn't hide her sob even by biting her lip neither could she hide the flinch when Gibbs gently rubbed her lower lip. He didn't pull away though and for that she was grateful. "I do not know how to do this Gibbs. I feel aroused, I should be..."

"Why Ziva? Why should you feel anything than what you do? Because that's how most people react? You aren't most people. You survived, that is a gift, you walked through hell and made it home. However you come back from all that happened is your business." He hated the shame etched into her features wished he could soothe it away, knowing he couldn't. "You just got home Ziva and while I came here to comfort you this wasn't how I meant to do it. If anything you should be angry with me not yourself."

"Gibbs you came here treated me like I am not as broken as I feel. Bruised, in need of help but not broken. You did not even treat me that way on the plane. That could not make me angry. As for this..it has always been there, even before tonight. I am just surprised you can look at me."

Gibbs cocked his head "You're beautiful Ziva I've always looked at you, the way you walk, the way you smile."

Ziva paused taking in what he said knowing he meant it. "But it is different now Gibbs I

am...different after them. How could you want to touch me, to be...close to me." Ziva felt the same need to scrub herself raw as she had when she'd first walked in the hotel room. "Every part of me is different. I take a breath and I smell that place. I am not the woman I was before."

Gibbs silently cursed the men who'd taken the strong independent woman he'd known and made her doubt for a moment who she was. He wished he'd killed more of them. "Who you are to me hasn't changed. Actually that's not exactly true; I'd always known you were strong. I just didn't know how strong you were. Whatever was done to you could never change how I...how I feel about you, how I see you. Wanting you isn't going to go away Ziva. It's the wrong time to tell you that beyond inappropriate but it's the truth."

Ziva held onto his words. Gibbs didn't lie, he would refuse to answer, possibly be vague but he didn't lie. And, his body wasn't lying either. Still holding her hip to hip she could feel his need against her. It quieted the anger in her, took the shame and forced it to a bearable level. "I was wrong Gibbs, the way I handled things all of it not just what happened in Israel. I was, how I behaved was not what any of you deserved."

Gibbs didn't say anything she was right and he wouldn't placate her by telling her otherwise. "What's done is done Ziva. You can't change what was. You, we, will all move on. There are things you will have to do, have to say but you will get through this and if you want I'll help you."

Ziva met his blue gaze and smiled "You already are, I was afraid I would never know this again. That last month when they barely came in to feed me I had a lot of time to think. I let myself wonder now and then what would happen if I survived." Ziva watched anger, sadness, and pain cross over Gibbs eyes as they shut briefly. "I wondered if I would ever know this again, wanting someone, being wanted. It did not seem possible. I cannot..."

Gibbs knew what Ziva was trying to say by the way she tried to pull away, to distance herself from his body. "I'm not asking for anything Ziva. I am not controlled by what my body wants. I won't hide that I want you, that would be like lying but I have no expectations Ziva. You need rest, time to heal, time to find your way back and I will help any way I can, but you don't owe me anything. Helping you isn't about wanting you in any physical way."

Ziva smiled she didn't have the words and if she'd spoken the tears would have fallen out of her and she wasn't sure they would stop. Instead she snuggled into the crook of his arm and let his stroking of her hair lull her back to sleep.

Gibbs looked at the heavy bag and wondered just how strongly it was anchored into the ceiling. He'd come straight from Ziva's hotel room to the gym at work. It was ungodly early and he needed that. He needed a way to force the anger from his body. In her sleep Ziva had cried, body wracking sobs he couldn't easily quiet. Finally the deeper sleep had claimed her and despite wanting to stay with her he'd needed to leave. He was angry the fury barely contained and he hadn't wanted her to wake up see it and mistake it for something else. He'd left her a note and the backpack. It wasn't enough he'd wanted to dig in that bag he'd packed himself and find a bottle of magic. Something that would wipe away the terror nothing could erase from her mind. His impotence in the face of her pain made anger pour into every vein. The wait for his car and the drive to NCIS had almost been longer than he could bear.

He hadn't bothered to change, or even put on gloves instead he let the anger wrap around him as he pictured every man that had hurt Ziva in the canvas bag before him. Again and again his hands hit the hard target, and every time he wished it would take away Ziva's hurt, her pain knowing it wouldn't. He didn't notice when his knuckles began to bleed or the ache in his arms all he knew was the pain of Ziva sobbing in his arms, the shame in her eyes. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but sweat poured from him, drenching his clothes from the day before, clothes that smelled of the clean soap Ziva had used trying to wash away a nightmare. A sob broke through him and he had to brace himself against the bag, his forehead touched the gray material even as his knees hit the ground. His tears mingled with his sweat and fell to the mat below.

Tony stood in the entry of the gym and knew what he was seeing. The force of it shocked him. Gibbs always kept his true anger hidden. The embodiment of the strong silent type Gibbs had been quiet on the plane, quiet when Ziva had said hello to everyone at NCIS and quiet when Ziva had allowed Abby to drop her at the Hotel she had insisted on staying at. The hotel Tony had sat outside of most of the night. He'd had no intention of going up, she wouldn't be ready to see him but he'd wanted to be there all the same. Everyone wanted to be with her to comfort her and yet they had all decided to give her the space they'd known she would need. Except for Gibbs, Tony had watched Gibbs pull into the Valet parking something he never did. Gibbs liked his vehicle readily available at all times but the urgency in the other man's movements had made it clear that this night he hadn't cared. For hours Tony had sat outside the hotel waiting to see how long it would be until Gibbs came back out. It was more than idle curiosity it was the knowledge that if anyone could get through Ziva's equally stony wall of silence it was Gibbs. Gibbs hadn't left when Tony finally had just over two hours ago. Watching him now pounding out his fury like a man possessed Tony knew what he'd suspected for years was true. There was something between Ziva and Gibbs. He couldn't put a name to it they didn't have the demeanor of a couple that was sleeping together but there had always been an intimacy between them. The occasional glance, a now and then look when they were dating someone else and even more than that something about Gibbs' reaction after Ziva had stayed in Israel. For a long time Gibbs hadn't even said her name, wouldn't discuss a replacement and wouldn't speak with Eli unless forced. But Tony hadn't been fooled Gibbs had missed her, for weeks after his phone would ring and the way the other man's eyes took in the number showed a hope everyone had ignored.

Now seeing the undisguised rage and the following grief Tony wondered how Gibbs was still sane. Whatever they had shared had been meaningful. It hurt Tony to think of what Ziva must have endured, like a sister to him his only solace was he'd aided in the deaths of those that had hurt him. Seeing how Gibbs was beating out his rage on a canvas bag he understood that Gibbs' feelings ran in a much different direction. Tony walked away quietly letting Gibbs have his privacy wishing he could erase the hurt they were all feeling. A man passed him heading for the gym Tony gestured to him

"You might not want to go in there, Gibbs is in there." The other man paused understanding dawning and turned around and left. Tony did the same trying to rid himself of the image of a grieving Gibbs.


	3. Pieces of Me

Ziva stared in the mirror. Her hair fell in a long shining wave thanks to the care Gibbs had taken the night before. Longer then it had ever been it fell to the swell of her buttocks, it made her feel almost beautiful. Her body was still sore, arms heavy as she worked at braiding her hair Remembering the feel of his mouth on hers she pressed two fingers to her mouth. She could almost taste him and her body could nearly feel him against her. Her emotions were mixed.

Not long away from the darkness and terror of her captors and already she felt the overwhelming need for Gibbs that had always been there. She had not been surprised to wake up and find him gone. It had actually been more of a relief. Facing him after last night would have been harder than crying in his arms. She needed time to find the strength she was known for. She was wearing the second pair of skin hugging undergarments he'd brought her. They didn't show under the regular clothing he'd provided and kept the chafing at bay. From the outside with her regular clothing, makeup and hair in a braid she looked like she always had. Even taking into account the rope marks, bruises and scabbed over knuckles all in all she looked like Ziva...so long as you didn't look too deep in her eyes. Gibbs saw the changes and yet he hadn't treated her any less. It was what was getting her through at this point.

It was nearing seven am and she knew someone would be visiting her soon she just wasn't sure who it would be. She wanted it to be Gibbs. Tony and McGee had done more than they should have to help her and it made a shiver of fear run through her to think of what could have happened to them. Yet she still couldn't find it in in her to be ready to see them.

Shaking her head she reached again into the backpack hoping for something for breakfast and instead found a knife. The weight was perfect in her hand very similar to the one she had carried when she'd been taken. Her eyes misted he'd left this for her, knowing she would need to be armed. She checked the bag for a gun and tried to be surprised when she didn't find one. She was reaching for the phone to call for room service when she heard the knock on the door.

Deja Vous hit her as she opened the door and saw him there much like he had been the night before. Only this time he held coffee and doughnuts and a smile. His smile reluctantly forced her own. His blue eyes met hers and the smile was held there as well. He walked in past her chuckling when the scent of the coffee and pastries made her stomach rumble loudly. She closed the door and locked it.

Gibbs set the coffee and food on the table and then slowly approached Ziva making sure she was aware of his intent he pulled her into his arms and held her gently. She didn't pull away, didn't flinch but instead relaxed into his embrace.

Ziva had known his intention when she'd turned around and saw him watching her. He was so careful to telegraph his every move, to not startle her and yet he'd still surprised her. The feel of him against her was worth the fleeting fear she felt. It had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. Turning into his arms she let her mouth find his needing the anchor of his kiss. Where she might have expected him to hang back and be unsure of how to react after last night it was apparent what he wanted. His mouth on hers was doing beautiful things to her body. The way his hips pressed against hers, his body clearly announced its intentions. For one damming moment she froze, her mind slipping away from Gibbs back to the desert.

With her hands tangled in his and her body molded against him Gibbs instantly felt the moment her body stilled against his it was brief but he knew it when he felt it and gently pulled back. Still holding her he saw her unwillingness to meet his eyes. "Ziva don't."

"I am sorry."

Biting back his typical retort he forced her chin up making her gaze meet his. "You have no reason to be. You haven't done anything wrong. You need more time then I'm giving you..." Gibbs cleared his throat and pulled fully away from her.

Ziva watched him as he seated himself at the table knowing she shouldn't ask wondering if she'd hate the answer but unable to hold back anyways. "Why now Gibbs?"

Gibbs had expected her question. Looking up at her he tried for a smile and failed, "I almost lost you Ziva. I've suffered loss before and it nearly broke me. This time I almost lost you and you never even knew what I..."

"I knew...or at least I hoped, and I knew how I felt. But now I'm, I'm not her anymore. I feel. broken, empty. When you hold me like last night and just now it's different but that's not living." Her eyes landed on his hand wrapped around his coffee. His knuckles were raw barely scabbed over and they hadn't been the night before. She almost said something but held the words back not ready for the conversation that would result.

"Ziva you've barely been home long enough for it to count. You have to give yourself time. You aren't broken, just in need of time to heal." he watched her sit down and knew his next words were going to anger her. "On that note I'm taking you to a doctor today, you need a proper physical." Her eyes flew to meet his both anger and fear there, it was clear she understood exactly what type of physical he intended she have.

Ziva felt shame flood her mixed in with rage and embarrassment. "Damn you Gibbs." she wanted to hate him wanted to scream at him and yet she knew he was only doing what needed to be done. Tears bit at the backs of her eyes and she had to work to breathe evenly.

"I've been damned before Ziva and I'm sure I will be again and you can hate me all you want but it needs to be done. I know a doctor, one who will be discreet. Just someone I met through a case, nice lady said if I ever needed anything she'd help me out. I called her this morning said she'd see you anytime today." It had been the hardest conversation he'd had in a long time. Though not as difficult as the one he was having now. He'd expected this reaction from her, expected her refusal. He watched her work to push away her pain almost gave in and told her the visit could wait but it couldn't and they both knew it.

Ziva hated that rather than the anger she so counted on all she could do was cry, granted they were silent tears but still they dripped steadily down her face and dropped to the table. "I don't hate you Gibbs. I hate this..me.. so damn weak."

Gibbs made a sound and she stopped short looking at him "You are anything but weak Ziva,. you're still fighting me. That isn't weakness. Get this part of it over with. Go to the doctor, do what she tells you, see the team, meet with the director only if you want to he can't order you to but let me help you. You could do it all alone but why, when I'm here."

Gibbs' words were echoing in her mind as she was redressing after the exam. The doctor wanted to meet with Ziva in her office as soon as she was done. Gibbs was in the waiting room and had said he would wait however long it took yet the thought of facing the doctor alone scared the hell out of Ziva. She stood for a full minute debating between trying to walk into that office alone like she would have done any other day of her life or asking Gibbs to come with her. _Weak_ her mind whispered. She knew that wasn't true though. That was her fear talking, was it really so wrong to want support, even for something so personal? Apparently she'd made her decision even while deep in thought; she stood in the doorway of the waiting room waiting for Gibbs to notice her. It only took a moment and she didn't even have to speak he just took her hand and walked with her into the office.

Gibbs had met Dr. Anna Hunt during a case in which a man was killing Naval medical staff. He'd been part of the protection detail assigned to her family. When he'd taken a bullet meant for her she'd promised she'd owed him a favor. In spite of himself he'd kept in touch and now he was glad he had.

"Gibbs, Ziva and I spoke in detail about her situation before we started with her physical and although I didn't know you were going to be in here I'm assuming that since she brought you in that she is ok with you being present despite the sensitive nature of what I have to talk about."

Ziva nodded at the doctor and Gibbs felt her hand clench in his.

"We'll start with the basics. Ziva is underweight. She'll need to get back onto a proper diet of course but I'd also like to see her add in some extra protein and calcium. I'm prescribing a vitamin supplement but it's not a replacement for good healthy food. Minimize the coffee and no skipping meals. Snack often. Don't try to eat any big meals for a while, being deprived of food or fed the bare minimum for survival causes your body to go into survival mode. Eating large meals will only cause your stomach to react badly.

Despite the urge to get back into training I'm going to ask that you give it a little time. Your healing from multiple rib fractures, both arms were dislocated at least once each, multiple torn ligaments, a sprained ankle, burns, various cuts and multiple bruises. All of which granted are well into the healing stage however when combined with the dehydration, and lack of food you will in fact make yourself more ill if you try.

We did blood work and I ran some urine tests. Despite what you told me I ran a pregnancy test and it came back negative."

Gibbs heard the whoosh of air that Ziva let out and felt her relief the same as his own.

"The rest of the exam showed about what I expected based on what you told me Ziva. Internally you are mostly healed. Mostly but not completely there are still some spots that will take time to fully heal."

Ziva's grip was like iron in his hand and he knew without looking that she was crying, Anna turned her attention to him.

"Ziva will most likely have some scarring. Given time it will smooth out but it can be uncomfortable for quite a while, other times she may not notice at all. Patience Jethro that's all. That holds true for all of this, patience and time. I highly recommend Ziva you find someone to talk to. Right now you'll fight the idea but at some point you should at least try. I've put a rush on all the test results so that you don't have to wait a moment longer than necessary. However I want you resting Ziva. Everyday activities are fine but nothing strenuous. Don't push yourself. No sex for at least a month."

It was Gibbs' turn to feel ashamed, did the doctor think this was why he'd brought Ziva here?

Ziva felt Gibbs flinch and turned towards him, something in his demeanor wasn't readable and it bothered her. "Gibbs I asked."

"Dammit Ziva that isn't what this was about." Gibbs cursed none too quietly again.

Ziva smiled for the first time since walking in the office. "I never for a moment thought it was. I asked because I wanted to know. For later, for eventually because I can't, won't let them have all of me."

For a moment Gibbs caught a glimpse of the Ziva he remembered the stubborn, fierce woman with quick wit and mischievous smile, he was glad to see her again.

"Even if Ziva hadn't asked for some patients I give out the information anyways. Especially if there is a relationship present." Anna almost laughed when both Ziva and Gibbs looked at each startled by the word relationship. "You have my number if you need anything don't hesitate to call and don't worry you were never here."

Gibbs held the door for her and walked her out following her the short distance to the nurses' station. Shoving his hands in his pockets he took a deep breath. "Will she really be okay?"

Anna smiled to herself she knew Gibbs well enough to know this was coming even if Ziva hadn't warned her. "As I said Gibbs it's going to take time. They did a lot of damage. Not just from the beatings, and torture but from the ..rapes." Gibbs paled and she saw him visibly take a deep breath. Touching his arm she realized he was far better at hiding his own pain than she'd realized. "Do you want to sit?"

"No, but I wish I could kill a man more than once." Gibbs felt his stomach churn, his head spun for a moment and he pressed his hands to his temples almost felt the need to put his head between his knees.

"She'll heal Gibbs and from what I've seen your helping her there faster than anyone else could. Whatever is between you is helping her. Just make sure that you have someone to talk to as well. The partner of a rape victim is just as affected and don't pretend you don't know that."

Gibbs nodded, for all his bravado he was smart enough to know good advice when it was given. "Thanks doc, for everything. You need anything you let me know." He turned back to the doctor's office knowing Ziva was waiting, wondering how she would handle his next suggestion.


	4. FOllow me Home

Gibbs watched Ziva staring out the window of his car watching the scenery pass by. Her gaze was far less focused than he would have liked. The reflection of her eyes in the window showed him she was in another place.

"I thought if you were wiling I might take you home." Gibbs watched her flinch, it was just the slightest movement but it was there.

"I appreciate the offer Gibbs but I am not your responsibility, you do not have to take care of me." She bit hard on her lip trying to hold back the words that would ask him to do so anyways. The doctor's office had left her feeling far more vulnerable than she would have liked, any footing she had regained was gone again. Her strength, both of body and mind seemed to ebb and flow more than she would have thought possible. Passing through the waiting room as they'd left she'd seen three women in varying stages of pregnancy, as relieved as she was she wouldn't have that reminder from her time in the desert it still hurt to see their joy.

Gibbs did his best not to let his frustration at her words show. "What if I want to, gonna tell me no?"

Ziva turned in her seat and stared at the dashboard unable to stop the smile he forced from her. "I suppose not." She bit her lip glanced at him and took a deep breath. "I do not think I am ready to see everyone yet. More than I have. I know what Tony and McGee did for me, I owe them more than I can ever repay…but…"

"It's too much, right? Too many people needing something from you?" he watched a tear slip from her eye and trail down her cheek as she nodded. "I intended to take you to Stillwater Ziva. I arranged for time off for the team. We all need it. I thought you might like it there…if you want."

Ziva felt surprise wash through her. Gibbs' offer was not something she would have expected from him. It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse, but the memories of the peacefulness of his family home called to her. "Are you sure, that is more than I should ask of you."

Gibbs smiled, "You didn't ask Ziva, I offered and if you said no I woulda convinced you anyways. Trunks already packed."

Ziva almost grinned but then she thought about her appalling lack of clothes. She had very little, only what the team had brought for her on the mission, and the few pieces Gibbs had provided for her. She had keepsakes, and formal clothing locked away in a storage facility she'd rented before she left for Israel but nothing else. "Good thing I travel light these days."

Gibbs cursed loudly, watched her jump and cursed again only silently. Outside of the few things he'd gotten for her he hadn't thought about the fact she'd returned to America with nothing. "There are stores on the way Ziva, even some in Stillwater. Anything you need we can find." He watched her stare back out the window and nod.

Ziva nodded because it was what he expected but deep inside she wondered if she would find what she most wanted? The woman she had once been. "What about your Father? How will he feel about you bringing me there?"

"He was worried about you too." He watched surprise cross her face as she stared down at her hands. "I talked to him when you were gone. And, I called him before we left to get you just in case something happened while I was over there." She tensed, shoulders straightening and again she stared out the window.

"I hate that you had to risk so much to find me." She couldn't look at him could barely live with the realization that he'd been prepared to die to find her, that they all had. "What did you tell him, when you called him."

"Today or before?" She shrugged and he focused on the road pretending for her sake not to see her struggle with tears. "The truth when we went to find you and this morning most of the truth but not all the details." He would have expected her to be angry, for sharing even that much but instead she gave him the briefest smile.

"Good, he deserves the truth." She tugged on the end of her braid focusing on the small pink band Gibbs had provided her with She'd been amused when she'd found the package of hair ties tucked into the backpack. "Are you certain he will not mind?"

Gibbs chuckled lightly. "It was mostly his suggestion Ziva. He said the country air would be good for you. And of course it's quiet there, usually." He saw her smile again remembering the chaos from the first time they had visited. He took the exit that would take them to the very place they were discussing saw her notice but she didn't object.

"Remind me to thank him later then." She yawned, resting her head against the back of the seat. "I'm tired Gibbs, so very tired."

It wasn't just the physical fatigue, it was the tired of holding yourself on edge for so long. A tired that came from always having your back up, your warning system in place, without a break. "You should sleep Ziva; we've got a while until we get there." She glanced at him then nodded and closed her eyes. He knew it wasn't easy that her every instinct would be screaming to stay awake, but she kept them closed and soon he could hear the soft even sound of her slipping into sleep.

Gibbs pulled into his father's driveway. For a moment he just let the car idle. His conversation with his dad that morning had been brief. He'd give only the barest details, Ziva was alive and back in DC. He'd heard the questions in his father's offer to come to Stillwater but he'd refrained until he could answer those questions in private. He wouldn't lie to his father but he wouldn't discuss her and all she'd been through over the phone either. In another time he wouldn't have discussed her at all with his Dad but things had changed between them and he was more than grateful they had. Glancing down Ziva was still sleeping, head against his shoulder. He debated the best way to wake her up. Carefully he turned off the ignition trying not to startle her awake. It was a failed attempt when she went suddenly stiff next to him, hand moving to her waist for the knife he'd given her.

"Easy, just me Ziva."

Ziva stopped just shy of unsheathing her knife. Swallowing hard she pushed down her fear and sat up. "Sorry."

Gibbs shook his head "No apologies Ziva, we're here." He watched her focus on the house saw something close to relief flicker through her eyes. "My dad won't be home for a while yet, gives us time to get settled."

Ziva stepped out of his car and chuckled. "You sounded very much like a teenager just now Gibbs."

Gibbs chuffed out a laugh as he grabbed his bag from the trunk and slung her backpack over his shoulder. "Haven't been one of those in a long time Ziva."

Ziva walked in with him taking in what little was familiar from the last time she had been here. Gibbs walked down the hallway toward the bedrooms. He passed his father's room dumping his bag onto the bed in his old room, still holding her backpack he walked toward the guest room and she felt her heart clench in fear.

Gibbs heard Ziva make a small sound, pausing in the act of opening the guest bedroom door he looked over at her. Her face had gone pale, and though she was trying to hide it he saw the fear there as well. She wouldn't ask but he knew what that fear was about. Turning he tossed the backpack onto his bed.

Ziva shook her head. "You do not have to Gibbs…I will be fine on my own."

"Ziva if you want me to stay with you at night I will, if you want to leave the lights on we will. I just didn't want to assume or have you think I was expecting anything." Gibbs took one of her hands in his trying not to notice the still healing wounds around her wrists. "Tell me what you want Ziva, tell me what you need, it's why I brought you here."

Ziva nodded, "I am going in the backyard, I think I would like to sit on the swing back there and get some air. Alone." Ziva whispered the last word not wanting to sound ungrateful but desperately needing space, now while it was still light and everything surrounding her was easily seen. "But first I have a question, how did you get these?" she rubbed her thumb over the marks on his knuckles. She suspected she knew just what they were from.

It was his turn to shrug. "Worked out forgot to wear gloves." It was entirely the truth but it wasn't entirely a lie.

Ziva bit her lip; she knew what he wasn't saying. "I did not mean for you to be hurt by all this."

"Small price to pay to have you back." His voice was nowhere near as steady as he wanted it to be, knew she heard all he couldn't say when her eyes clouded with tears. But she only nodded, squeezed his hands and made her way toward the sliding glass door.

Gibbs nodded "Just holler if you need anything."

Ziva stepped into the backyard trying to understand what foolishness had let her allow Gibbs to bring her here. She should have refused, should have been able to face this alone. Moving to the back of the property she found the framed swinging bench she'd spotted the last time she'd been here. She sank onto the cushions equally grateful and frustrated by the comfort. Her fatigue annoyed her, her weakness annoyed her, but the soft swaying of the seat soothed her frayed nerves.

Jackson walked into the house to see Gibbs staring out the sliding glass door that led to the backyard. There was naked pain on his son's face, it startled him. The raw intensity of it was stark making him move just a bit slower as he entered the room. In the moment Jethro realized he was in the room the pain was gone replaced with a genuine smile that warmed him.

"Hey dad thanks for letting us come." Gibbs took the paper bag his father was carrying and set it on the counter. Glancing in the yard he saw Ziva had already dozed off in the swing.

"Good to see you too son, where's Ziva?" Jackson started taking the groceries he'd brought home out of the bag.

"Backyard" Gibbs glanced outside once more to make sure she was still sleeping and then took a seat at the kitchen table. "Sit for a minute Dad."

Jackson took the seat across from his son recognizing the tense set of his shoulders. The pain that settled on his face was the same from only moments ago. The hand he ran through his hair wasn't quite steady all of it spoke volumes to Jackson.

"I told you Ziva left, most of what happened." It had been a rare moment of hurt that had allowed Gibbs to share so much with his father, but in this case he was glad he had. "We all sort of assumed she intended to stay in Israel. But then no one heard from her, not Abby, not McGee, not Tony…no one."

"Not you." Jackson recognized the look Gibbs gave him and ignored it.

"Especially me. For a while it made sense but then time passed and when she didn't even contact Abby we got worried." Gibbs rubbed his nail against the rough cuticle of his thumb. He'd gotten more than worried; the fear of what had happened to her had driven him nearly mad. The fact he'd had to hide it behind the same calm veneer every day had made it all more unbearable. "Her father sent her on a mission, one he knew she wouldn't come back from."

Jackson heard the carefully hidden rage in his son's words and sucked in a quiet breath.

"She was captured, just as her father knew she would be." Gibbs wished he could kill Eli David as easily as he had Ziva's captors.

Jackson stood up slowly and went to the coffee pot, giving his son time to breathe he filled two cups and brought them to the table. "How long did they have her?"

Gibbs swallowed hard, wrapping his hands around the mug. "Most of the time she was gone." Watching his father's face he saw the understanding dawn, the sadness. When his dad reached out and touched the top of his hand he didn't pull away. It was just the briefest moment of comfort his father needed as much as he did if he was being honest.

Jackson saw Jethro take a long sip of coffee and glance back out the sliding glass door. "How is she?"

Gibbs shook his head. "Not the same woman you met before. She's different, still trying to get used to being in the real world."

"Understandable. Where did they have her or can you tell me." Jackson watched Gibbs' knuckles go white around the mug he was holding.

"The desert, hell, in the ground…" Gibbs hadn't meant to say the last part it startled him as much as his father. He bit back a curse wondering when he'd become the kind to talk so much. "She doesn't like the dark dad. And she's still, if not more dangerous. You need to be careful about coming up behind her, startling her, those types of things. She goes from wanting to be alone to needing me to be close but she's unpredictable. "

Jackson nodded when Jethro looked at him for understanding. "Got it." He watched as his son looked at him then away flushing lightly. "Something else you have to say son?"

Gibbs managed half a grin at how well his father could still read him. "She can't sleep alone, at least not yet. She'll be staying in my room but it's not.." For the second time that day he felt much like a teenager.

"There are certain things I have no doubt about son, the top of that list is your integrity. I'm not worried about it and she shouldn't be either." He watched his son swallow quickly, looking slightly green around the edges. "What?"

Gibbs couldn't speak for a long moment trying to force him to say out loud what he didn't want to think about. "She's still pretty beat up, there are marks. It will take a while for her to heal." Gibbs looked away back outside "Just wanting you to know what to expect."

Jackson cleared his throat and made a sound of agreement. What the hell did you say to that? Instead he watched his son watching her and asked what he shouldn't "The men that had her, they gone?"

Gibbs felt pain clamp tight around his heart then ease at the thought of pulling the trigger in that damn hot desert. "Gone, all of them."

Jackson heard the pain that had returned to his son's voice wondered if he knew he was in love with the woman he was watching so closely. "Good."

Gibbs was listening to his dad talk about his latest fishing trip when he saw Ziva sit bolt upright in the swing outside. He'd been watching her through the kitchen window while they washed vegetables for dinner. She sat looking around her carefully for a minute before he could see it register where she was. She pushed at her hair that had come mostly undone, before giving up and letting it the rest of the way loose. She stood up and looked toward the house, she saw him through the window and he managed a smile.

Jackson watched Ziva just as his son did, she moved slowly and the why of it had his heart clenching. A man his age knew more of the world than he liked to think about, seeing a woman hurt never got any easier. "I'll make her a cup of coffee.."

Gibbs almost told him to make it juice, knowing it was better for her but bit it back. A cup to help her shake off the sleep wouldn't hurt anything. The last thing she needed was him telling her what she could and couldn't do any more than he already had. So he just nodded. She stepped through the sliding glass door, and he was hit once again by how beautiful she was bruises and cuts aside she was still breathtaking.

Ziva had glanced at her watch, knew from the change in the color of the sky even that Gibbs' dad must be home by now and she felt nervous about seeing him again. Gibbs had to have spoken to him at least a little about what had happened to her. He deserved the truth just as she'd said earlier but she felt a little like a goldfish as she stepped into the kitchen. He greeted her with a cup of coffee, placing the warm mug in her hands and offering her a genuine smile.

"It's good to see you Ziva." Jackson used every bit of skill he had to hide his shock at the change in her appearance since he'd seen her last. Gone was the healthy vibrant woman she had been. She was thin, in a way that made him want to offer for her to sit down. Pain and fear were etched heavy into her eyes and as Jethro had said there were scars and marks too many to count.

"And you Jackson." She leaned against the counter near Gibbs. She knew it was easy to see all she had endured and yet Jackson showed nothing but happiness at seeing her again. She was grateful for that. "Thank you for inviting me to stay here, I….I think it will help." She couldn't keep his gaze instead she looked down into the dark brew of her coffee.

Jackson risked a glance at his son; saw that he too was trying to hide the hurt he felt. "I'm glad you decided to visit Ziva. Stillwater is a nice quiet place, despite what you saw the first time you came." She glanced at Gibbs and smiled. "There is stuff to do if you get bored, fishing, movies even a roller skating rink." He almost smacked himself when he considered the fact she wouldn't want to be roller skating any time soon. "Sorry."

Ziva shook her head and finally found the courage to meet his gaze. "Do not…you do not have to walk on eggshells around me. I know Gibbs had to have filled you in at least some about what happened and I am fine with that. If you have questions ask them, but do not feel you have to be…I do not know the word I am looking for but…"

Jackson nodded "I get it. By the same token if I say something out of line you tell me." She smiled again and this time it seemed to be real.

"I doubt that will happen." She set her coffee down barely touched finding it too harsh for her stomach. "What are you men making?"

Gibbs pointed at the corn in the sink. "Corn on the cob, baked potatoes and fried chicken."

Ziva felt her mouth water. "That sounds good." In fact it sounded better than good, the things she'd eaten had barely passed for food. "May I help with something?" She watched Gibbs look in the sink and knew he was trying to fight the urge to tell her to rest. "I have rested plenty for now, I would like something to do."

Jackson saved his son from answering, handing Ziva a bowl of freshly washed potatoes and a roll of tin foil. "You can wrap these and then we will put them in the oven."

Ziva took a seat at the table and began preparing the potatoes. The silence in the kitchen should have been awkward but it wasn't instead there was a comfort in the mundane task of preparing a meal. When she was finished Jackson came up beside her moving slow enough she knew it wasn't his age but a warning given by Gibbs. Instead of calling either of them out she simply smiled. It was a forced smile though and Gibbs saw it. He was asking her what was wrong without saying a word. She didn't want to tell him she was hurting, that she wanted her pain meds or that she wanted a glass of milk. She had been forced to ask for every little thing she wanted or needed and even some that she hadn't. Logically she knew it wasn't the same here but still the words stuck in her throat. Gripping the edge of the table she felt adrenaline hit her and wondered how she could go from being reasonably fine one second to far from it the next. "Excuse me." She stepped abruptly from the table ignoring just how much it hurt to move. She blindly made her way to where Gibbs had dropped their bags and sat on the edge of the bed trying to breathe through the pain. The doctor had warned her this could happen, that the pain of what had happened could come and go. That knowledge didn't help at all. Grabbing her backpack she dug until she felt the bottle of pain meds in her hand.

Gibbs found her staring at the prescription bottle as though it were poison. He'd known she was hurting from the way she'd moved from the table. He also suspected he knew why she was reluctant to take the pills. "They drugged you?"

Ziva couldn't speak only nodded and tossed the bottle back in the bag. "I think it amused them. There was no other reason all things considered." She waited for him to swear again. Instead he sat on the bed next to her taking her hand in his.

"I'm sure my dad has some ibuprofen would that help?" her hand in his tightened.

"Yes. Please." She felt bile rise in her throat. She hated the sound of those words normal pleasantries that had been bastardized. She couldn't look at him couldn't let him see what those simple words made her remember.

"Ziva?" he watched a tear slip down her cheek didn't understand at first. Slowly his mind put it together. The tone of her voice when she answered him finally made it click. This time he failed to hide his anger knew she felt it run through him where there hands were joined. To her credit she didn't flinch but the whisper of a sob was hard enough. "You don't have to ask for anything Ziva, not one damn thing while you're here."

Ziva felt the tears raining down her cheeks wondered how a woman who had rarely cried her entire adult life now was like a child with tears at every turn. "Will this ever get better?"

Gibbs hated the desperation in her voice, knew she hated it more, pulling her into his arms he let his head rest in the softness of her hair. "It will I promise." In the moment it was a promise made on the shaky foundation of hope something that had failed him many times before. She knew that as well as he did, but the words comforted her and he was damn sure going to do everything he could to make the promise a true one.


	5. Reaching for Sanctuary

Jackson woke to the sound of screaming, loud terror filled screaming. Despite the fact he'd been warned he found himself in the doorway of Jethro's room even as that screaming dulled to a low mewing sound. The sound much quieter and far more subdued was no less agonizing. Peering through the doorway he saw Ziva fists clenched, fighting against Gibbs as he held her close stroking her arms and speaking softly against her hair. The pain etched on Ziva's face tore at him and he knew Gibbs had to feel it even more. Wishing he could help but knowing his presence would only disturb Ziva further, he slipped away into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee should there be a need.

Gibbs felt the blows Ziva inflicted on him but they were nothing compared to the pain inflicted on his heart. Her screams had torn him from sleep and even as he'd tried to comfort her she'd tried to fight him. It hadn't been till he'd spoken that she had finally started to settle. Dark eyes steeped in pain, confusion still lingering in their depths found his. "Jethro….?"

He stroked her hair trying desperately to ease the fear in her eyes, the outright agony. "Yes Ziva, I'm here. It's me. You're safe."

Ziva managed to focus on his silver hair and his blue eyes, just long enough to push away the nightmare. He was real his heart pounding beneath against her chest she recognized his scent. "I am so tired…"

"Sleep Ziva, just sleep, you're safe with me." he held her for a long time, waiting till her breathing evened and the heavy weight of deep sleep took her. He pulled himself from the fighting away the anger that was driving at him. The moment he stepped into the kitchen he smelled coffee and knew his father would be waiting for him. Running his hand through his hair he saw Jackson waiting for him at the table a cup of coffee by his seat.

"Sorry Dad, I probably shouldn't have brought her here. It will most likely be like this for a while." Gibbs wanted to run his fist through a wall. He wished for something to take his rage out on. Instead he held his coffee cup a bit too tight and tried to breathe.

"If she can survive it I can lose some sleep." Jackson watched his son fight his anger and wished he could offer him some comfort. "Is she going to be okay son, physically?" he felt guilty asking, even more so when Gibbs suddenly looked ill. From the time it took him to answer he thought perhaps his son wasn't going to.

"Eventually." Gibbs felt a bit like he was betraying her trust but needing to talk to someone anyone he could trust. "They did a lot of damage. I made her see a doctor."

Jackson nodded. "I can't imagine that was easy."

"No, but it needed to be done. She needs to rest which isn't in her nature. She'll want to train, fight and I understand that but she can't. She needs to eat. Feeding her wasn't high on their list…" He couldn't go into the rest, knew his father wouldn't expect him to. Pressing a hand to his stomach it was work to fight the nausea, the reminder of what she'd had to endure.

"And you, how are you doing?" Jackson heard his son laugh bitterly, watched him stare out at the fingers of dawn just creeping through the sky.

"Oh I've got it all together can't you tell." sighing he slid the cup away and laid his head on the table, feeling a bone deep fatigue he knew was nothing compared to Ziva's.

Jackson let his hand touch Jethro's shoulder, waited for him to shrug it off, more than surprised when he didn't. "You'll get through this son, both of you."

Gibbs sat up managing half a smile. "I didn't have the right to bring her here Dad. Haven't exactly treated it like home in a long time."

Jackson smiled taking Gibbs cup and rinsing it along with his own. "The thing about home Jethro is it's there whether you claim it or not. If bringing her here helps even a little then it was exactly the right thing." Staring at Jethro's he pointed toward the bedroom. "Go back to bed son, get some rest. It's still early and you look like hell."

Gibbs laughed and stood up from the table. "Yeah, I think I will." he headed down the hall, turning back as he reached his doorway "thanks dad."

Ziva stumbled out of bed into the kitchen. She'd been surprised to find Gibbs still asleep beside her but a glance at her watch told her it was still relatively early and the stress had to be wearing on him too. Glancing wistfully at the coffee pot but knowing she couldn't stomach it she poured herself a glass of milk instead. Her first morning in Jackson's home was quiet. The morning air as she stepped out the slider was crisp and cool with the clean scent that was only found in the country. Her bare feet hit the grass and she shivered as they touched the dew dampened blades. She glanced around and saw Jackson coming out of the garden shed.

"Morning Ziva." He moved up next to her grateful to see the smile in her eyes. It was a stark contrast to the agony that been etched on her face only hours earlier.

"Good morning Jackson." She glanced around and then back to him. "It is beautiful here, I am again glad that you made the offer for me to stay here. It is very different from the desert."

Jackson was surprised that she had brought up the subject, so he nodded. "I would imagine so."

"I like that it is just a little bit cold this morning. The desert can be cold but it never smells like this. Here it smells clean, like grass." Her words sounded dumb when she said them out loud but the man next to her just grinned.

"One of the best smells in the world if you ask me." She leaned up against the side of the house looking into her glass. "I am sure you have questions. Yet you have not asked."

Jackson looked over to find her eyes meeting his squarely. He could see how she could be as good at interrogations as Jethro claimed her to be. Her eyes even full of pain and sadness held an intensity that demanded an answer. "Of course I have questions but just because I have them doesn't mean I'm going to ask. You're entitled to your privacy Ziva."

Ziva laughed softly. "Pretty much everyone on the team and a lot at NCIS have to know more than I'd like or at least assume much of what is the truth. Not much privacy when you're dragged back from hell." As she looked at him she saw echoes of the way Gibbs looked at her. It never failed to make her feel stronger when she didn't see pity.

"He cares about you Ziva. He isn't helping you because he feels obligated or because you're on his team." She looked down at her drink again and then out at the backyard.

"Was…I was on his team and I left. I care about him too Jackson. I am not just using him to help me get past this. If I am to be completely honest I think I fell for him a long time ago, it is part of why I left. When you cannot have what you want sometimes it is easier to be away from it." He was shocked at her admission raised his eyebrow much like Gibbs did when he was particularly surprised.

Jackson was floored by her honesty knew she could easily see his surprise. "Can't see you being the kind of woman to let much stand in your way Ziva." It was her turn to be surprised. "Not blind saw the way you looked at him the last time you were here."

Ziva blushed, taking a sip of her milk to cover. "Did not know I was so obvious."

Jackson laughed and shook his head. "You weren't, but I'm his father even if I wasn't in his life for a long time. There is a way a woman looks at a man she truly cares for when that's directed at your son you pay attention. You're not alone you know, he wouldn't have brought you here if you didn't mean something to him."

Ziva might have denied it before the past couple of days but Gibbs hadn't bothered to hide that he did indeed care. They had spoken of opportunities lost. "I am very lucky. We danced around this, whatever it is for a very long time. Following the rules his and NCIS'. You raised a good man Jackson, he risked a great deal to come for me and I gave him no real reason to do so."

"We all make mistakes Ziva, we learn from them and move on. Jethro is no stranger to that and thanks I think he's a pretty good man too. Although, I'm not sure I can take most of the credit. The Marines and his life with Shannon probably had more to do with it."

"That may be partly true but Fathers have a lot to do with who we become and there is a lot of you in Jethro. More than I think either of you probably see. Why do you think he brought me here, above all else he knew this place, his home was safe. If he didn't feel that way he would never have done so." She watched the reality of her words hit him, saw the emotion gather in his eyes and stared back down at her milk. "I am glad he has this place, you back in his life. I would not want to but I cannot ever go home again and that is difficult to know."

Jackson had to stay silent a moment longer clearing his throat discreetly. "Well you're always welcome here Ziva, no matter what." She looked up at him those dark eyes truly smiling and it was easy to look past the scars and bruises and see what his son must see.

"Thank you." Ziva pushed away from the house. "I am going to grab a shower and see about waking up your son. I am certain he is tired from staying up with me when I…had a nightmare last night." He already knew she could see that from the way he couldn't quite meet her eyes. "I am sorry if I woke you."

Jackson shook his head. "I'm fine Ziva, Do you eat waffles?" he saw her almost return to the subject but then she moved past it.

"I do in fact they are one of my favorites. If you give me a few minutes I will help you." She finished the last of her milk and twirled the glass in her hands.

"Nope, you get your shower, but you can make lunch today if you like." Jackson knew what it was like for people to forget that it was important to feel useful regardless of age or injury.

"I would and later I am going to ask Gibbs to take me into town. There are some things I need so if you have a list I would be happy to get anything you need as well." She stepped into the house as she spoke and nearly ran into a very much awake and freshly showered Gibbs. The coffee in his hand told her he'd been within hearing distance for at least a few minutes.

"Good morning Ziva." He'd been standing in the kitchen long enough that he'd heard a good part of her conversation with his father. She must have suspected as much from the color that slowly rose on her cheeks.

"Good morning. I was going to take a shower and after breakfast I was hoping maybe you would take me into town." She pushed at the hair falling in her eyes.

He nodded then broached a subject he knew she might not be ready for. "Tony called."

Ziva bit her lip feeling her stomach churn, wondering why she was so afraid to see them all. "I am surprised he did not call before now. I do not have a phone any longer but…" she watched him glance down at his coffee and then back up at her. "Ah, they have called before but you have been playing..referee, yes?"

He smiled. "You could say that, just giving you time Ziva."

Jackson interrupted standing at the sink cracking eggs into a bowl. "When you're ready Ziva you are welcome to invite them here." He saw her smile and for just a moment it was like the first time he'd seen it.

Biting her lip Ziva looked up at Gibbs. "What day is it? I cannot seem to remember."

"It's Wednesday Ziva." Silently he cursed himself; she had barely any clothes, no watch, no phone nothing.

Ziva saw the frustration in his eyes knew it was directed at himself, not her and also what had caused it. Before she could stop him he was apologizing.

"I'm sorry Ziva, I didn't think about all the stuff you might need." He pushed a hand through his hair; the list of what she didn't have was damn long.

Despite his father standing only steps away Ziva let her hand find his. "You brought me back, saved my life whatever things I do not have are nothing compared to that."

Gibbs nodded but he knew it had to be difficult for her. "Vance is working on getting an ID packet together for you. It may take a little time though."

Ziva found her breath catch in her throat. "That will be helpful, I have some things stored in DC but cannot access them without being able to prove who I am. Will he be contacting Israel?"

"He will have to inform them you are alive but more than that no." he watched an icy coolness slip over her.

"Do not allow Vance to let this affect his diplomatic relationship with Eli." She heard him curse and squeezed tighter on his hand. "It is a fact that there must continue to be a working relationship between the two. However I would ….I do not wish for Eli to know where I am."

"I won't be telling him." He saw that his father was halfway through finishing breakfast "Grab your shower, we'll eat and then go into town." He watched her walk down the hallway until she was out of sight and only then did he let out the breath he'd been holding.

He felt his father's eyes on him and shook his head "What is really screwed up about all of this is she blames herself. She made some mistakes, big ones but she sure as hell didn't deserve this. She has nothing, we saved her and that matters but now what?"

Jackson laughed softly watched as his son looked at him like he was crazy. "She's alive son. She has Tony, McGee, Abby all of them but more than that she has you. Even if the two of you weren't…" he waived his hand in the air looking for a word that wouldn't embarrass his son. Jethro's raised eyebrow had him giving up and pushing forward. "You will help her get back on her feet because that's who you are. She'll find her way."

"I thought she was dead." He glanced toward the hallway again. "I thought she was really gone, and then all of a sudden she was alive and I realized…"

"Second chances are a rare thing son, if she's yours don't let anything stand in your way." He knew exactly the words his son couldn't say out loud had heard Ziva holding back the very same ones just a short while ago. "Funny thing she pointed out how she left NCIS, went back to Israel I guess that means she doesn't work for you anymore." Jackson left his son to ponder his words stepping to the pantry to hunt for syrup.

Feeling his father's words sink into him he stared at the hallway. He hadn't realized the significance of that not so simple fact until just now. He felt a smile force its way onto his face. Glancing at his coffee he even let himself laugh a little.


	6. The First Steps Forward

After breakfast and a game of cards that had evoked a laugh he wished he could hold onto forever she seemed a bit more settled. Which, was why he was reluctant to break that good mood with a question. "I was thinking we could go into town. Get you some of the things you need." He watched her go on alert, the tense set of her shoulders and the way her eyes shot to the door. "You don't have to Ziva. I can go for you."

Ziva straightened her shoulders and shook her head. "No I will go."

"There's a bigger town a bit further out about an hour's drive, there's a mall there which means only one stop. We can get you a phone, clothes and anything else you might need, if you're up to it?" He knew she likely wasn't but he knew it wasn't likely she'd want anyone in town to see her.

Ziva stared at the bedroom door. "That would probably be for the best."

Just under two hours later Gibbs pulled into the mall's parking lot, Ziva still slept in the passenger seat as she had most of the drive. He was reluctant to wake her. As he reached to nudge her gently his phone rang. With a sigh he answered. "Gibbs."

Abby tried to let her smile push through as she answered Gibbs' greeting. "Hey, I was just checking in."

Gibbs smiled despite himself. "Hey Abbs, how you doing?"

After a long pull on her caf-pow Abby finally answered. "Worried."

"I know, but she's doing ok. She just needs time. She wants to see all of you. But she's tired and worn out."

"We don't care…" Abby heard him sigh, could picture him running his fingers through his hair.

"She does. She needs to be stronger before she's ready to see anyone. As soon as she tells me it's ok I'll let you see her. for now though I'm giving her space. I will tell you I brought her to Stillwater." He hadn't told Tony that, knowing there was the chance he'd ignore Gibbs' warning and visit before Ziva was ready.

"Really?"

"It's good for her here." Hoping it wasn't a mistake he added. "For both of us, I don't think it will be long before she asks to see you. She just needs to adjust." He felt Ziva move next to him her eyes meeting his as she stared at his phone. She didn't ask for it so he said nothing to Abby.

"Ok, just as long as she's ok." Abby recognized how much he'd shared but decided to ask about it later. Everyone knew that part of the reason Ziva had been found was because Gibbs had decided once he knew she was alive there was no way she would die in the hellhole she'd been trapped in.

"She is and when she's up for it I'll let you know." He took a minute to say goodbye and finally hung up. "It's ok Ziva don't rush to please them."

"It feels unfair. One moment I am ready to see them and the next I am not." Staring into the flip down mirror she was grateful for the sunglasses Gibbs had grabbed her at a gas station on the way there. Between the glasses, a long sleeved shirt and keeping her hair loose the worst of the bruises and cuts were covered.

"When you're ready Ziva and not before." Gibbs stepped out of the vehicle and walked around to open her door. She stepped out and he watched the intense alertness settle over her. The hyper vigilance he'd expected was there like a heavy coat. Carefully he took her hand giving it the softest squeeze before letting it go.

ZGZGZGZG

She had things now; the comfort of clothing, a cell phone and personal care items. Everything she would need to feel comfortable. Yet despite all the care Gibbs had taken to make sure her every need was met, she felt lost. Still felt the rough edge of being broken. She both craved being alone and hated it. Everything made her afraid. The strangers in the mall, the ring of the phone at Jackson's home and even more the very careful way Gibbs watched her.

He was entitled. She knew she was fragile not anything close to the woman she had been yet the way he watched her was enough of a reminder that she was afraid that the woman she had been would never return. She took a deep breath and applied the makeup Gibbs had hesitated to buy. Before he'd provided her with lipgloss and mascara this time she'd chosen her makeup specifically. He hadn't wanted to, had reminded her in his own gentle way that she didn't need it but had purchased it anyway.

As she finished the last brush of powder she felt just a bit less vulnerable. The bruises on her face at least were hidden and she could look in the mirror without the horror of the last few months showing. She'd balked at the amount of money he'd spent on her but he'd refused to be dissuaded. She might have continued to protest but she didn't have a lot of options so until she could change things she accepted what she otherwise would have fought.

Lunch had been another matter entirely. Eating was difficult. Her stomach didn't enjoy a great amount of food and the reminder of being drugged wasn't far behind her either. Somehow he knew and didn't comment or harass her when she couldn't finish the meal he'd ordered for her.

Sighing deeply she took a step back from the sink in his father's house and stared at the phone he'd given her. She owed it to the rest of the team to call them. At the very least to check in with them, but the cold sweat that broke out on the back of her neck was enough to stop her. She wasn't ready and after everything it made her feel lower than the rats that had frequented her underground holding place.

"Ziva?"

She turned to the door steeling herself against the flood of emotions that threatened. "I am ok. Just finishing up." He made a sound of agreement and she straightened her stuff on the counter before stepping out of the bathroom. As expected he was waiting for her. Sitting on the edge of the bed he was trying to look calm and collected as much as she was, but the worry was heavy in his eyes and posture.

"I am alright really. It feels good to do the normal things I used to do." He pulled her close, gently but close enough that he could very carefully touch her face. She fought the flinch this time successfully.

"You don't need this." Gibbs could easily see the great pains she'd taken to cover the bruises and fatigue on her face.

"I did it for me. I feel better this way." He nodded and pressed a kiss to her still healing knuckles.

"Dad's ready for you to help him with dinner if you're still up for it." He'd almost avoided telling her. She should be resting especially after all the walking they'd done earlier that day but he knew she needed to be doing more than nothing.

"I am looking forward to it." She almost stepped away instead she pressed a tentative kiss to his brow. "If I was not up to it I would choose to rest instead. You have shown me that I can trust you to let me make my choices. Because of that I will not push too hard. Or at the very least I will try not to." She felt the faintest clench of his fingers on her waist. It telegraphed an emotion neither of them was ready to voice.

"I know you're afraid Ziva and I know that won't go away anytime soon. But if I could take it from you I would." He met her eyes with difficulty knowing what she would see there.

Stroking the rough stubble on his jaw Ziva bit back tears. "I am, of everything and I am not used to that. But above all else I am worried I will never be the woman I was. At the least not as strong as I used to be. But this, being here, doing just the little things helps. You are helping." She heard the clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen along with the faint hint of a curse and couldn't fight the smile.

Gibbs felt the squeeze of her hands against his before she pulled from his arms and made her way to the kitchen. He felt the heavy wash of fatigue and sadness nearly overtake him as his hands fell into his hands. He felt impotent, despite her assurance that he was helping her. Violence threatened at the edges of his mind, begging him to take out his own hurt and frustration on something anything to alleviate the anger towards a man that was already dead. But he knew that wasn't the truth. His anger wasn't focused on one man or even just the group of men that had held her it was in fact now focused on a man whose main priority should have been his only remaining child.

Hatred pulsed through Gibbs veins in such force that he wasn't entirely sure it would be safe if he ever saw the man again. Ziva had meant something to him for a long time. Never acting on it had been an act of self-protection. Since Shannon every relationship had been an attempt to regain something he'd lost. Then when he'd known it wouldn't work the rest had been a means to an end, fulfilling a need.

Ziva had been something else entirely. He'd known from the moment he'd seen her that the feelings he had for her were too much. Those emotions could bring them both nothing but trouble and heartache so he'd pushed them aside to save them both. Now he was wondering if he'd chosen instead to face them if he could have saved her the horrors of a nightmare in the desert.

He'd almost lost himself in his thoughts when his phone rang. It took longer than normal to answer especially when he recognized Vance calling. "Gibbs."

"Hey."

Gibbs pushed a hand through his hair before forcing out something that resembled a greeting.

"How is she?"

"Tired, healing, not ready to see anyone."

Vance recognized that Gibbs' words were final, a hammer thrown down through the phone lines. "Of course. And how are you?"

Gibbs pulled the phone away stared at it in surprise before recognizing he shouldn't have been Vance always knew more then he let on. He should have lied instead he told the truth if nothing else because he'd been so honest regarding Ziva. "Managing."

"Eli knows." Vance heard the sharp indrawn breath but didn't comment. "Not exactly something we could have kept quiet. He called and I verified that she was alive."

Gibbs stared at the ceiling trying to calm the anger that beat like a drum. "Ziva wanted me to tell you to not allow anything that happened affect your professional relationship with Eli." Silence reigned and Gibbs could guess at the how Vance was reacting. Shrewd in business and political dealing Vance was above all else a good man.

Vance worked hard to clear his throat and hide any emotion he might be feeling. "I gave him no other details. I informed him if he had any other questions he should contact Ziva."

Gibbs gave a bitter laugh. "He can try." Even as he spoke he knew it wouldn't be incredibly difficult for Eli to find her, time consuming perhaps but not difficult. "Thank you for letting me know."

"Of course. If you need anything let me know and I'll do what I can and when she's ready Jackie would like to see her."

"It may be a while." Gibbs finished the phone call and heard Ziva's voice calling his name. She would need to know that she was back on her father's radar but it could wait at least until after dinner.

Ziva watched as the men cleared the table waiting for Gibbs to say whatever had kept him quiet most of the meal. "Jethro talk to me, tell me what you know."

Jackson stilled as he set placed dishes in the dishwasher rack. Ziva's words had his son freezing in place and the same veil of pain was cast upon both their faces.

Gibbs stared at his hands as the water from the faucet ran over them. "Eli called Vance he knows you're alive. It's possible he's looking for you."

Ziva felt more the pain on Gibbs face then her own. He worked methodically rinsing the dishes but his eyes focused somewhere else. "We knew this would happen. I am not surprised. He will find me eventually. "

Gibbs hated the calmness in her voice the lack of fear this time almost angered him. She deserved to be angry, filled with rage or hurt anything but the very real calm she displayed. "He can't hurt you anymore Ziva. You know that."

Ziva stood and took her place beside him. "He can Gibbs which is why you are so angry but I will not let him. I see him for what he is now. He will not ever change, his agenda is all about whatever he needs politically and personally I will not be a part of his games any longer. But I think we should leave here. I do not like the idea of putting your father in the middle of all this."

Jackson gave a rough snort. "That's crap you don't need to go anywhere. I've dealt with men like him. Consider this your home Ziva you aren't leaving until you choose to, not out of some need to protect me."

Ziva looked at him a long time before nodding. Turning to Gibbs she took his damp hands in her own. "If I am staying then I think it is likely time for you to call them." She didn't have to clarify who or why. He simply nodded. "I am going to get a shower and head for bed early."

Gibbs pulled her in for a hug and the briefest kiss and then watched as she made her way out of the kitchen. Unable to hold back he cursed and felt the glass in his hand crack. It wasn't until blood seeped from his fingers that he could breathe again. "He won't try to kill her. Simply drag her back into the hell he created for her."

Jackson pulled out the first aid kit and finished the dishes while his son bandaged the small cut on his hand. "That woman in there is strong Jethro, no doubt about it. She feels weak right now and you know what that's ok because she has you and her team and hell even me. We aren't going to let that man have any part of her. If he finds her fine but he isn't taking her anywhere she doesn't want to go."

Gibbs felt a surge of pride at his father's words. A man who'd been through his own hell and still he stood ready to help a woman he barely knew all because his son cared for her. "I know I said it already dad but there aren't the right words…"

Jackson might have brushed his son's words off but he heard the emotion there and chose instead to acknowledge them. "I'm your father, whatever we've been through, that doesn't go away. No need for thanks."

Gibbs smiled clasping his dad on the shoulder before walking into the living room to call Tony.

Tony grabbed his phone on the third ring trying not to sound winded as he set the weights down. "Hey boss."

"Tony you got a minute?"

"Of course." Tony rubbed a towel across the back of his neck as he sat in a chair in his home gym. Gibbs didn't usually call him by his first name and his voice was quiet. All of it gave Tony pause as he settled in to listen.

"Ziva's ready to see all of you. But she's still having a hard time adjusting so you'll need to be, careful with her." Gibbs felt almost like he was betraying her. He knew most of what had happened in the dingy room where Ziva had been found but still he wondered. More than that Ziva had suffered enough to have her emotions further laid bare by him seemed more than unfair.

"I get it." Brief words but he knew from the way Gibbs sighed they were understood. As one of the men who'd walked through hell to save her he could have been hurt by the way she'd kept herself from him instead he chose to understand. She had barely spoken on the flight home and then disappeared with Gibbs. Whatever it took to make her feel safe he could live with. "Where are you." There was a long silence.

"Are you at home or in public?"

Tony actually stared at his phone for a long moment before answering "At home. But I have a disposable I can call you back on if you want?"

Gibbs ran a hand through his hair. "Do that." He hung up and waited until his phone rang again." It was highly unlikely Eli'd had enough time or ability to tap there phones or that it would do any good with Tony calling his personal cell but it was worth the effort. When his phone rang he answered.

Tony spoke quickly like ripping off a band-aid. "Eli knows she's not dead?"

"Yeah, which means be cautious. I brought her home to Stillwater." He could almost laugh at the sound of surprise Tony made. "I know it's late but I'll need you to go to my place and grab some things, and then call everyone. There's a few things I'll need from Abby and McGee as well."

"Not a problem." He doubted McGee and Abby were doing much of anything more than he was, killing time until they could see Ziva. "We'll be there tomorrow." Then he listened as Gibbs listed off what he would need. He barely blinked at the specific list, instead taking in the things Gibbs requested and forming a plan that he hoped would never be needed.


	7. Dreaming Beyond the Nightmare

Ziva stared in the mirror. After breakfast she'd showered and dressed in a long sleeved shirt and close fitting jeans. The boots Gibbs had bought her were a favorite and the make-up she'd spent extra time on meant that all but the bruises on her neck were covered. Even those marks were mostly faded just a hint of the violence that still lingered in her mind. It wouldn't be long and the rest of the team would be arriving.

On one hand she was anxious to see them, yet at the same time she dreaded the questions that would come along with them. The depth of those questions had her almost shaking. Instead she drew in a deep breath and focused on the drain in the sink. Pain rippled low in her stomach and she winced at the ferocity of it. She gave a dirty look to the bottle of pain reliever as she emptied four of the over the counter pills into her hand and washed them down with water from the sink. When she raised her head she caught Gibbs' reflection watching her.

"Ziva?" the pain on her face was written clearly and too hard to ignore. He waited when he saw her eyes skitter away and the flush of pink on her skin. "You don't have to say anything Ziva I'm just worried."

Ziva smiled softly turning to face him, grateful when he moved his hands slowly to link with hers. "I started my period this morning. It is more painful than I am used to. Otherwise I am ok." She was grateful that she'd thought ahead and purchased what she'd needed.

Gibbs hid the anger any mention of her pain brought and instead pulled her close. "I'm sorry." The reminder of why she still suffered so much was too fresh for him to be either embarrassed or immune to what she was saying. "I know my father has a few heating pads would that help?"

Ziva didn't pull away from his chest even when his arms loosened. "Later, maybe, but not now. I will be ok."

Gibbs nodded. "Just let me know if things get bad ok. The doctor." He broke off when he felt like he was invading her privacy.

Ziva touched his chin, reminding him that she knew what he was trying to help. "I know and I will.." She paused before continuing. "I trust you Jethro you know that, if I become even the slightest bit worried I will tell you. I do not want to have any long term repercussions from this. Someday I want." It was her turn to stop talking, stepping back slightly when she realized that what she ultimately wanted might not be compatible with the man she loved.

Gibbs saw her turn back to the mirror and fuss with the make-up she felt so important. "Ziva, don't do that tell me what you were going to say."

Ziva stared down at her hands. "Someday I want children at least I always have, now there are moments I am not so sure."

Gibbs wrapped his arms around her waist resting his head in the crook of her neck. "Not so sure because you think being with me means you shouldn't want children?"

He felt the sudden uptake in her heartbeat and the unsteadiness of her breath against his palms. "Do you want children Ziva?"

Ziva felt pain lance through her. The answer would define them in some way good or bad and she was terrified of the truth either way. "Yes I do, but while I want children I want you more."

Gibbs smiled as their eyes met in the mirror. "You do not have to choose Ziva. If we choose to be together you can have all the babies you want. I am not a young man so we'd have to start sooner rather than later. But I don't plan on going anywhere soon and if you want a whole brood of them we'll have them."

Ziva felt a shock run through her, a mix of surprise and desire that had her trembling. "Jethro do not say anything you do not mean." Even as the words left her mouth she felt the proof of his honesty against her backside. His was aroused and yet he didn't pull away nor did he try to push her or touch her in any other intimate way.

"I wouldn't Ziva. I wouldn't lie to you about something so important. If we pursue this, and you want children we'll have them And don't believe for a moment that it will be for any reason other than I want to." He felt the slight shudder of desire run through her; he squeezed her a bit tighter before releasing her to turn her in his arms. He pressed his lips to her softly, a quick slide before pulling back to give them both space.

Ziva watched him a long moment before the truth of his words settled around her and she managed a smile. "And if when I am ready is sooner rather than later?" It wouldn't be as soon as she'd like but the truth of his age meant he wasn't wrong. Plus she wanted, needed to see he really meant it.

"When you are medically cleared and certain it's me you want to be with me then…" It was his turn to blush, completely worth it when she laughed.

"I understand why you might have your doubts Jethro. But know this, it was you even before I knew it." She looked toward the bed shared. "But that brings to mind something we should discuss. We have been sharing this room and when the team gets here they may not understand. I do not want to make you uncomfortable in front of them."

Gibbs fixed her with a firm stare. "Do you think I'm ashamed of us?"

Ziva shook her head. "No but I know it will easily be misunderstood and you are their boss. You have your rules and the rules of NCIS."

"You're not my subordinate anymore Ziva and even if you were it wouldn't matter. They'll understand or they won't but I think you aren't giving them enough credit. And by the way I like the way you say my name."

Ziva frowned briefly before realizing she'd used his given name. "I should have asked."

"I think we're past that Zi. Don't worry so much. This, us, it's good. It's just going to take time." He gave her one more brief kiss before stepping from the room. He'd heard a car in the driveway and wanted to give her a moment to compose herself before facing everyone.

Gibbs stepped onto the porch as three of his team stepped out of Tony's car. Abby's running hug was expected, as was the nods from both Tony and McGee. Glancing down at Abby still hugging him tightly he smiled. "Good to see you too Abs."

"I'm glad you brought her here Gibbs." She felt the squeeze of his hand on her shoulder.

"Me too." He felt the shiver of awareness that always came when she was near him and he turned to catch her gaze as she stood leaning in the doorway of his childhood home. To anyone who didn't know she looked casual, relaxed and normal if a bit thin. But as he glanced at the team he watched them try to reconcile the woman she'd been only days before with the one they saw now. They tried not to notice the fear lingering around her, the faint hint of the scar around her neck that might never heal or the way he stared at them demanding they be gentle with her.

Tony didn't need the warning in Gibbs eyes. Ziva had done a good job of camouflaging the marks and bruises with make-up and clothing but the pain still radiated from her as did the fear that flashed like a neon sign. The softest indrawn breath and cough from Abby and McGee told him they were reminded as well. None of them had forgotten the shell shocked Ziva. Or for him and McGee the that felt unworthy of saving, but here in the real world the difference in who she had been and now was, startled them all.

Abby approached Ziva much slower this time than she had that first day. She felt slight arms wrap around her and hold almost desperately tight. The gasp of air in her ear told her tears were only moments away. "I missed you."

Ziva felt the heavy lodge of a sob in her throat. She couldn't speak only hold onto tight to the woman who'd become like a sister to her. Gone, was the shock of landing on American soil and the knowledge that all of NCIS was watching. Instead, she felt close to breaking again. She recognized that the men were moving past them carrying luggage and speaking softly but all she knew was the soft arms Abby wrapped around her. She couldn't fight the tears that forced their way out nor was she able to let go for longer then she would have liked. "And I missed you."

Abby was breaking apart inside, but somehow for Ziva's sake she held it mostly together. Ziva felt too small in her arms, to fragile and the tears were violent in her arms. Still as they finally parted she managed a smile and a steady hand to swipe away Ziva's tears. "You don't get to go away again."

Ziva shook her head. "No I will not be leaving again."

"Pinky Swear?" She saw Ziva's confusion and offered up her pinky finger. She almost broke when finally Ziva laughed and offered her own. Finally Ziva cocked her head toward the rest of the house. Abby nodded and followed her in. Only then did she focus on Gibbs. Her first glance at him hadn't revealed the pain so heavily stamped on his face. He was watching Ziva carefully as she walked into the cozy living room. He held himself as if ready for battle. Meeting Ziva's gaze he offered comfort as only Gibbs could. But there was even more there. In an instant Abby saw a depth of connection that had her stopping abruptly. The love between their gazes was so blatant so obvious it had to have been cultivated over years rather than the few days they'd obviously spent together. She'd always guessed an attraction but never this. For a brief second Gibbs' eyes found hers and the look there was a blatant warning that had she been anyone else would have been frightening.

McGee accepted the hug Ziva offered slowly. He made sure every move he made telegraphed to her that he was not a threat. He didn't fear her but neither did he want to scare her. He kept the hug brief just enough to remind her he cared before stepping back and squeezing her hand. "You look good. Like you're taking care of yourself." He knew he'd said something right when she smiled easily.

Ziva turned to Tony and knew he was waiting for her to make the first move. She pulled him into a hug despite feeling the stress of too much contact and found the comfort she hadn't expected. He held her almost too tight but she managed because he needed it as much as she did. She was trying to hold back tears again when she finally pulled away.

Jackson stepped into the living room carrying a carafe of coffee and a handful of cups. "Hey McGee could you grab the rest of the cups off the table, and Tony maybe you could grab the creamer."

Gibbs sent his father a grateful look before settling himself onto the couch. He only relaxed a bit when Ziva settled in beside him. He didn't miss the signs of discomfort but was grateful everyone but his father seemed to. "Thanks dad."

Ziva felt the heavy weight of all of them watching her when they'd finished pouring and fixing coffee. Instinctively she reached for Gibbs' hand only to find Tony's gaze catching that very gesture.

"Johnson's team is taking our cases on for now. I stopped in yesterday and everything seems fine so far. Vance is adamant we take the full three weeks off." Worried he'd said something wrong Tony managed a laugh. "Fine with me I was thinking of taking a trip maybe Hawaii.

Ziva cocked her head "I would not have thought you one for Hawaii more like Mexico "

Tony didn't mention that thought of the desert would never sit well with him again. "I just thought the ocean and girls in bikini's would be nice." He waggled his eyebrows and was rewarded with her laughter again.

"I have never been to Hawaii. But I hear it is beautiful." Ziva shrugged when Tony stared at her. "Not all of us come from money Tony."

McGee chuckled and punched Tony in the arm. "Maybe we could all go, the last week before our vacation is up." He wasn't normally one for big groups outside of work but the smile on Ziva's face was worth it as was the positive nod from Gibbs.

Abby jumped up almost spilling her coffee. "Oh that would be so fun, sun and lots of food."

Ziva thought of the ocean the cooling waves, the scent of salt in the air so different from the desert that still haunted her. Her hand tightened around Gibbs' but she was afraid to ask, to want something he might say no too.

Gibbs didn't need Ziva to voice that she wanted to go it was easily apparent in the way true excitement lit her face. There was nothing he wouldn't do to keep that look on her face. When she turned to him he didn't question why simply nodded. "Let's plan it. I think it sounds perfect and if we need a few extra days I'm sure I can convince Vance." He didn't mention that a spur of the moment trip wouldn't hurt to keep Eli at bay.

They all discussed the trip for a bit until Ziva started yawning. She caught the glance from Gibbs and was surprised by the way he refrained from commenting. She was tired but admitting the weakness in front of everyone wasn't an easy thought. But, she knew the fatigue would only grow if she ignored it, and she hurt. Standing she almost laughed when all the other men did as well. "I'm still easily tired and I'm going to nap. You can all get settled while I do." She started to walk away when Gibbs caught her elbow and turned toward the rest of them.

"Enjoy the coffee and find your rooms, have something to eat we'll be out in a bit." Where he might have expected some hesitation they only nodded and turned to talk to his dad.

Gibbs followed her into their room and found a comfortable pair of sweats to slip into while she was in the attached bathroom. When she came out she stopped abruptly. "You don't have to stay with me Jethro."

"I want to. If I'm being honest I've gotten used to our naps and I know you sleep better when I'm here. That ok?"

"More than ok." Ziva settled into the bed sighing in relief when he tucked in next to her. "I love you Jethro. I know you will think it is just the moment. The trauma but I promise you it is not that."

Gibbs kissed the back of her neck drawing the scent of her deep in his lungs. "And I love you even though all good sense tells me I need to give you time. The words just keep waiting for me to say them."

"I know you said it does not matter but how do you not see me any different. How can you want to be with me in any way when all of them…" the rest of the words wouldn't come. Only broke on a rush of air as he tightened his arms around her.

"This is the worst example Ziva but ..I have had four wives you don't see them when you look at me. You might see the man I have become as a result and frankly not all of that is good but still you see something worth loving in all that I have lived. I see the same in you. You've lived through so much even before all this. It doesn't taint you, just adds to the story that is who you are. The fact that you can even consider being with anyone let alone me a man who nearly failed you, tells me just how strong you are."

Ziva turned in his arms instantly finding his gaze. "You have never failed me Jethro, not even for a moment. You are not to blame for what happened to me." She bit her lip before glancing back up at him. "Did you mean it?"

"About the babies or Hawaii." He watched her turn a deep shade of rose before he chuckled.

"Well now that you ask that way both." She yawned and felt him tucking her even closer.

"I meant both Ziva, Hawaii first and then we'll have those babies you want. I promise."

"And my father?"

"He won't hurt you again, I swear it. You have me, the team and even my father who's made it clear in no uncertain terms that you will be kept safe. And don't forget you might not feel it now but you are the most capable women I've ever met I have no doubt your father might try but he will not succeed."

"Can your dad come with us to Hawaii?" her words were soft heavy with sleep low enough he almost didn't hear. When he did he smiled into her hair fighting the heavy pull of sleep he hadn't truly expected. "Of course he can Ziva."

"I love you Jethro."

"And I you Ziva." Finally sleep claimed them both and for the first time in days it was uninterrupted.


	8. Author's Note

Please know I am going to continue this story. I've just had many things going on in my personal life that had my mojo vanish. It's coming back and the urge to write is returning please be patient. I will post as soon as I have something I don't hate.


	9. The Stripes of War

The soft sand beneath her feet combined with salt air and a soft breeze was nothing like the hell of the desert she'd known not so long ago. Ziva had dropped her bags in the room she'd share with Gibbs and made quick time toward the beach.

She'd barely told him she was heading out the door before she'd raced toward the ocean. The first touch of water on her toes had her closing her eyes. Savoring the silken feel of it against her skin, she lifted her face to the mid afternoon sun. She knew the private cottages they were staying in on the island didn't come cheap and for once she didn't care or question, just took it all in. As a group they'd decided not to wait to head to Hawaii, instead, leaving as soon as the first flight and packing allowed. Now only four days after that first thought, they were in what felt like heaven to her. She raised her face to the sun once again and found a smile.

Gibbs watched her bask in the sun and felt the sharp burn of tears. The fact Tony stood next to him did nothing to temper them. "I wish I could make it better for her."

Tony gave him a rough smile. "You are Gibbs. You just can't see you're too close."

Gibbs shook her head. "It doesn't seem enough after what she's been through." He glanced at Tony then back at Ziva. "I'm going to marry her."

Tony looked at Gibbs and grinned. "Figured as much."

"I don't know when she'll be ready. She thinks it's about… I want her to know it's about her. The fact it's been her for a long time. Not about." he stopped realizing what his words would reveal.

"I can imagine what they did to her Gibbs, even if I don't know the details. So I get what you're saying. And though it doesn't need saying you're a good man for wanting to prove it to her. It may take her a long time to get there."

"I can wait. I loved her when that wasn't a possibility. And if it never was I still would." He saw Tony nod absently. "She told me though that she wants babies. From what I gather, more than one."

Tony nodded, "That doesn't surprise me, Ziva's strong. You okay with that?"

"More than okay, even though it surprises me to say so." Gibbs watched her turn to him, she offered him the slightest smile and he knew just what she needed. "You guys get unpacked we'll be back in a bit."

Tony nodded, watching as Gibbs walked out to the ocean and Ziva. His heart hardened by his own losses shuddered as he watched Gibbs approach her ever so slowly. Carefully Gibbs wrapped his arms around her and they stared together out at the ocean. With a sigh Tony moved toward his own room. Hoping this trip gave them all the peace they needed.

They walked together, holding hands but not saying much until Ziva pulled him down to sit in the sand next to her. "I am grateful Vance was able to get the ID packet together for me. Otherwise we could not be here now."

"I knew he would. Are you ok?"

"I am managing. I am still afraid and I do not like it. I understand it but it is not what I am used to feeling." She sifted sand through her fingers, forming a small mountain that she carved out with her fingers. "I am afraid I will disappoint you."

"Me?"

Ziva managed a small laugh at the obvious shock in his question. "I do not know if I will ever be enough of who I was to go back to NCIS, or that type of work. You will say it is too soon to think about. But it is almost the only thing I have thought about since I was captured. I trust you, and for the most part Tony, McGee and Abby. But even with them… I do not know if I can ever trust an order given to me again. I always knew my father had his issues with me. But never." She stopped speaking when the words became too much to speak aloud. Dropping her chin to her knees she stared from the water to the sand and back again.

"Nothing about you being alive could disappointment me Ziva. I can tell you I know you can trust the team. But then you must have believed you could trust your father. What I do know is it doesn't affect how I feel about you. If you choose to never work again it won't make me think less of you. I've always respected your abilities, been proud of what you're capable of but you're still all of those things whether you work or not. I know you and you'll never let those skills go. You could work for yourself, or open your own security business. Or you could stay home and raise children."

Ziva turned from staring at the ocean to smiling at him. His last words had been softer than the rest and even now he wasn't quite looking at her. "I would have thought the idea of children would make you uncomfortable. Yet since I mentioned it.."

"I'm not young Ziva, most women think it's past time for me. And then there's Kelly. I'll always mourn her loss. You understand that you always have, but that doesn't mean there won't be times her memory doesn't hurt."

"We will both live this life with our demons Jethro." She took in a breath let it out and turned back to him. "If you could forget her I would respect you less." He didn't say anything but she watched the slight shudder in his shoulders. Before he too turned out to the ocean.

"How are you feeling Ziva? I'm not trying to pry but you were hurting pretty bad the other day."

Ziva fought the blush and met his gaze. "Better it's mostly over and the pain is nearly gone. But I don't think I'll be ready for."

Gibbs cut her off "That wasn't why I was asking Ziva. The doctor said a minimum of a month, and even after that month it's all about when _you're_ ready. I need you; next to me, feeling you breathe knowing you're safe. The rest will come when it's meant to."

"I am afraid Jethro. Not of you, never of you but the idea of.." She stopped taking a harsh deep breath. "The physical act, I cannot imagine it without feeling like I am back in that place."

Her hand tightened around his and he squeezed back. "You're brave Ziva and you know how I'm certain that someday you'll get there? Because, you can share that with me. You aren't hiding from your fear. You don't like it and it makes you angry but still you acknowledge it. For some people that takes a lot longer. Whether it's a month from now or a year from now Ziva you'll get there and if it's me you want I'll be here."

"I should smack you on the back of your head." She caught his look and scowled at him. "Do you honestly believe there is anyone I want but you? Do you think I survived that hell just so I could say I did? I lived for you, for the possibility of us, because I knew the one thing I wanted and had ignored for too long was you. The only reason I can even consider being with someone or having children is because I see you. You holding me, your children, that is what keeps me going and it isn't the pain of coming back or the fact you saved me. It is that I have a second chance and I refuse to throw it away."

The determination in her voice left him little room to argue and despite the small voice telling him it could in fact be her fear leading her he pulled her close. "If I had known Ziva…I should have looked sooner."

"Again Jethro I gave you no reason to. You had no reason to think I was in danger, and you did save me." She pushed her bare toes into the sand and laughed when it tickled. "I like it here already. Thank you for bringing me. I'm not up to it yet but a few more days and I think I would like to dance, maybe do a small hike." She waited for him to object.

"I think that sounds nice." Damn fool that he was he almost asked her right then and there to be his wife. Instead he forced the words back and grinned at her. "I trust you too Ziva. You've been nothing but honest about your recovery so far. So I choose to believe that if something is too much you'll tell me."

Biting back tears she pushed up from the sand and nodded. "I will, I want to feel better, to heal. Pushing myself will only make that take longer it is frustrating. There are times I am tempted to push through but I am reminded it would do me no good. But, I think it is time we got back to the group. I am hungry."

Ziva woke the next morning the now familiar warmth of Gibbs wrapped around her. He wasn't fully asleep but neither was he fully awake. The faint buzz of awareness in her body had her breath catching as she let her hand slip between them. Just the slightest touch had her hand reaching beneath the white cotton of his shirt. The muscles beneath her fingertips clenched lightly. Still her hand slid higher pushing his shirt up until he was shrugging out of it.

Her body burned, her mind wanted but the demons danced too close. Instead she snuggled closer tucking her chin under his chin and pulling in his scent with long breaths. "I need this, even if …."

Gibbs took a long breath of his own and held her tighter than he should have, "It's enough Ziva, more than enough."

"But you want more."

"As do you Ziva. I'm a patient man." Again words he had no business saying almost forced their way out.

Ziva nodded trying to push away the uncertainty when her gut told her he was holding something back. "Jethro I promise to be honest with you as I have been so far. But I ask you to be the same. If this closeness is too much for you, sharing a room is too much I can stay with Abby." She saw his look of confusion and suddenly felt the same. "You are holding something back. I am not so far gone I do not recognize that much."

Gibbs smiled even as he stroked her hair back from her face. "No Ziva I need this as much as you do. Just things I don't think you're ready to discuss yet." He watched her face the war in her eyes as she chose between pushing him or letting it go. He was surprised when she nodded and tucked back into him.

GZGZGZGZGZGZ

Abby nudged McGee as they sat watching the very typical Luau unfold before them. "This is good, look at her. Whether you meant it for all of us or not, you did good."

McGee watched as Ziva seated next to Gibbs smiled in wonder at the colorful dancers performing. "I'd agree." Their third night on the Island and Ziva seemed far more relaxed. Though overall she was still a vastly different woman than before they'd found her. She was gaining weight but still the harsh edges of the desert still lingered. The bruises were gone, with only the scars at her neck and wrists visible. Just the faint flash of silver skin in the firelight, still he felt those flashes as if they were his own. Only a few hours restrained as she had been and he could clearly remember the pain. His body didn't hold the same scars but he knew quite clearly what it had taken to put them there.

"Smile McSerious you're going to make her think something is wrong. She's already looked at you twice." Tony managed a smile of his own when that quickly McGee pasted an almost realistic smile on his face. He understood though. The Ziva they'd known was gone and that was painfully apparent now that they had spent more than a few minutes with her.

Her senses were constantly on alert, and Gibbs was ever present. He might have worried but it seemed the same for them both. The need to be near each other was equal between them. Right now she was laughing, full of joy and holding tight to the hand that Gibbs offered. But in his mind it was hard to fight the image of her broken, bleeding and the knowledge of what she'd endured.

Abby saw Ziva wave at three of them and motion them back toward the seats they'd abandoned to get drinks. She nodded before turning to the guys. "She will get better, maybe not the way we would expect but she'll get there."

"They watch me closely still. Do I still appear so .." Ziva swallowed hard before taking a sip of fruit juice.

She was watching the dancers and smiling but Gibbs could see the slight strain being around so many people was causing. "They watch you because they care Ziva, because they need to be reminded you are healing. And because they fight the urge to ask you outright."

"You ask me." Her eyes skipped from the dancers to his.

"I know if I ask too much you'll let me know. They're not so sure yet." He looked down at their hands and managed a smile. "There is less distance between us." The slight upward curve of her mouth, the softening of the discomfort in her eyes stole warmly through him.

"I know I ask too much of you sometimes." She watched him shake his head.

"Not too much just what we both need." He took in a breath. "Tomorrow I thought maybe we'd take a long walk in the morning. You can't start training yet, but we could work on building your stamina if you'd like." It was almost too soon for even that but he could see the restlessness she was fighting. The smile that simple statement earned felt better than any medal he'd earned.

"That sounds perfect. We can get up early before the sun, that way I can see my first Hawaiian sunrise with you."

Gibbs felt the tight grip of emotions threatened to push words out she wasn't ready for. With great effort he managed something inane instead. "And maybe you can finally get some swimming in." he'd expected a smile not the slow dimming of joy or fake smile she tried to offer him. She turned back toward the dancers making it clear the conversation was over.

Only two hours later and Ziva stepped out of their bathroom fresh from a shower knowing Gibbs had let the conversation go. Yet, still it remained hanging between them. He had slipped out of his clothing into loose sweats. He paused before slipping into bed as she spoke. "I would have to wear a bathing suit in order to go swimming." She saw him nod before sitting in the chair by the window. "I do not wish to be so uncovered. "

Gibbs remained quiet waiting for her to share what still hadn't been spoken. They'd spent days lying together, he'd known there was more she hadn't said but he'd pushed her enough that whatever she'd continued to hold back could wait. Her eyes looked away covering every corner of the room before returning to his.

"There are more scars, that would be far more noticeable in a bathing suit." She felt tears in her voice and hated them. "They would be uncomfortable for anyone to see."

"Then we'll find a way for you to not be so uncovered. I don't care what anyone else thinks but I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I did not tell you because I did not want you to be even more upset not because I do not trust you." Ziva stepped toward him. "You cannot change what happened and I know the physical reminders upset you."

He was forced to bite back a curse. She should have been worried about how she was feeling not how he would react. "They upset me Ziva because I didn't do a better job of protecting you."

She shushed him with a finger on his lips. Any other time it might have been a provocative gesture especially given the way her hands then went to the tie at her waist, except for the fear skittering through her eyes as she turned her back to him.

The snow white cloth loosened till it draped against the base of her spine. For just a second he could see the faint swell of her buttocks but his eyes barely noticed. Instead pain touched off every nerve ending. Angry red welts just beyond the first stages of healing lay upon her skin. Too many to count, too many to allow him to breathe properly, his fingers reached out touching the network of rough skin that threatened the stability of his stomach and his mind. Rage clouded his thinking until all he could do was rest his forehead against the patchwork map of pain.

Hands on her hips his mouth traced the least healed lash mark. Trying to push away the nauseating image of a whip breaking through her skin his mouth continued following the mark until it led to another and another.

Never had a man cried for her, not one, until the man brushing his lips against her back. His tears rained against her spine across every welt and ridge of tissue almost like a healing balm. "Jethro, you don't."

"I'm not done." Rough words barely given voice but they revealed more than he'd expected when she stilled. "Am I hurting you?"

"No." In truth as his hands held her still and his mouth worked across her skin, the moment she'd thought would be her greatest pain shifted into something else. He hadn't intended it, didn't seem to recognize it yet. His mouth continued up just over her shoulder, across the nape of her neck and back down along the curve of her hip. Everywhere the brutal whip had crossed so too did his kiss. Healing in the way only he could.

He'd tasted every last mark ready to repeat the movement when her breath hissed out stilling his hands. He began to raise the robe back toward her shoulders. "You said I wasn't hurting you." She turned in his arms and he was hit both by the feel of her bare skin against his and the mix of fear and need in her eyes.

Ziva shook her head. "You were not."

"I see that now. I wasn't trying for," he had to pull in his own rough breath as he fought his own body's reaction to her nudity.

"We will both be in trouble when this is truly your intention." His smile was a reward for her honesty. "I do not mean to frustrate you. If you need…some time alone."

The blush on her cheeks as she looked down between them was as endearing as it was arousing. "Are you asking me if I need to get myself off Ziva? Would you want to watch? Would it make you feel safer knowing I'm not so in need of you?" He saw the shock, the heavy rush of desire that flooded through her. She hadn't expected such blunt words. "Or perhaps that's something you need. Something to take the edge off?"

His words weren't far from the mark. She needed something to help her past all the confusion of need and fear. But even that had shame creeping in her mind. His fingers on her chin forcing her to look at him snapped her back to him. "Don't you dare feel shame; there is no shame with us. I want you and you want me. We know this. When and how we choose to act on that is up to us and what your body and mind can handle. But you have nothing to feel ashamed of. No emotion, no desire and not even any memories. Do you understand me?"

"Yes." He smiled again and she didn't feel the disappointment she'd expected when he straightened her robe around her.

"Tonight we'll rest and tomorrow we'll start walking and find a way for you to swim." He stopped before heading in for his own shower. "If you can wait Ziva I can wait."

Ziva stared at the bathroom door for a long time after he shut it behind him. Finally with a smile she put on her pajamas and waited for him to join her and tomorrow.


	10. A Little Unsteady

They hadn't woken as early as they had planned instead they'd slept later than either of them had expected. He heard Ziva giggle as her eyes fixed on the clock. "So much for our early morning hike."

"This is better anyways Jethro."

"I can't disagree. I have something I need to do this morning. Would you be ok with spending some time with Abby while I'm out?"

She nodded. "I can be away from you Jethro. It is not something I prefer and I understand on some level that could be a problem. However I can. Though, I will look forward to your return."

"I won't be long Ziva. Eat something please." He slid from bed and into his clothes quickly. "And I don't mind that you need me nearby Ziva. I don't enjoy being away from you either, it's unsettling."

Ziva bit her lip before asking a question that that made her feel foolish. "Am I too clingy, do I ask too much of you?"

Gibbs kneeled against the bed bringing her fingers to his mouth. "No, Ziva. If I needed space from you I would tell you. I need this closeness as much as you do. And I'm well aware it's probably not the healthiest thing for your healing if we go by what the books say. But I've never been good at following rules and I believe if it became too much for you, that you would tell me."

"I would Jethro because you've shown me I can trust you. Now go do whatever you need to. I think I will ask Abby to walk with me after breakfast so if you come back and I'm not in our room, do not worry. And I promise to take it slow."

He smiled and kissed her hand before exiting the small home. He texted Tony to meet him as made his way toward the local marketplace. They walked together until Gibbs was certain they were out of sight of the houses they had rented.

"Gibbs?" Tony watched as the older man leaned against a palm tree. Any other time he would have laughed instead the way Gibbs was taking one steady breath after another had him concerned. "Is she, ok?"

Gibbs tried to bite back the bitter laugh but didn't succeed instead he had to work not to allow it to take over. "I don't know how to answer that Tony. They whipped her Tony, along with every other hell they put her through they did that as well. And her back….I hadn't seen it until last night and all because I wanted her to go swimming." His total lack of control to make anything better for her had him on the edge of hysterics like he'd never been before. "They couldn't just torture her…just…no they had to mark her in way that will never go away."

Tony felt Gibbs' words more than heard them. His stomach churned and in a moment they were both sitting leaning against palm trees in the middle of paradise thinking of a nightmare that should never have happened. Finally after longer than he would care to admit he was finally able to speak. "I can help, well possibly." He took in the way Gibbs looked at him understood the disbelief there and even the caution. "I have a lot of money. A ridiculous amount actually. I don't talk about it even though everyone jokes about it, and I think about it even less. But, it's there. It's family money which is why my dad always comes around and why I always clean up after him. When she's ready I will arrange for her to see the best plastic surgeon. If that's what she wants."

Gibbs swallowed hard almost hating his next words. "It will require a lot of work Tony and know this It's not about her looks."

"Shut up Gibbs I know what it's about. And the money there's a lot of it. It's invested and has been since I came into it at twenty five at this point I'd have to work really hard to spend it all, really hard. Not to mention I put safeguards in place so I couldn't do that so yeah taking care of Ziva in the monetary sense I won't even notice."

"Alexander Rejas when he died that was you that took care of his family?" He watched the flush of color on Tony's skin and laughed. This time it was a laugh that felt good. "Thank you Tony."

"As I said when she's ready. And whatever other care she needs. She's family, it doesn't matter how things went down before. She's here and alive whatever that's what matters."

"She has regrets Tony, has spent a lot of time trying to find a way to forgive herself for the hurt she caused. I don't know that she will."

"Yeah I see it every time she looks at me. I'm fairly certain she's paid a higher price than anyone ever should for everything. I love her Gibbs, not like you do, not what you share but I care in the way family does and like any family there's history. But she has no need to apologize."

Gibbs didn't know what to say so he stood and waited while Tony did the same. "I have to find her something to swim in. She's worried about the marks."

"A wetsuit Gibbs. It won't seem out of place, surfers wear them all the time, or a pair of boy shorts and a rash guard." He saw Gibbs' Confused look and smirked. "I forget you don't have a clue about women's fashion. I'll show you."

Three hours later Gibbs was reentering the cabana he and Ziva shared alone. She was still out with Abby so he laid out his purchases and went to grab a quick shower. He stepped out not expecting her to be in the room. Surprised when she was and he remembered he'd stepped out in only a towel.

Ziva's eyes snapped to his when she recognized his near nudity. Her body clenched with the way his hand reached for the knot of his towel.

"I'm sorry Ziva I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." They had slept together but always fully clothed.

"Do not apologize Jethro you have no reason to be." She stayed still as he walked closer to her. Every step was slow, carefully taken until he was just in front of her less than arm's length away. She reached out and touched his shoulder.

Gibbs felt the soft brush of her fingers along the curve of his bicep. He stayed motionless holding steady in his stillness. Her eyes lifted back to his almost an apology in them. "It's fine Ziva."

She almost took a step back. Instead she let her hand trail back toward his chest tracing the muscles that almost surprised her. There were scars similar to hers, healed bullet wounds and knife marks. Scattered here and there they only added to the edgy beauty that she saw in him. "I always knew you were handsome Jethro but seeing you this way. You are even more so." She watched a flush of color on his face and smiled. "Should I not give you compliments?"

"Thank you Ziva. I like the way you look at me. Even more the way you just touched me. The fact you enjoy the way I look is a good thing."

Her hands trailed lower until they were at the edge of the towel. She trembled as she slipped loose the knot of fabric and watched the white cloth fall to the ground. She drew in a sharp breath fighting the rush of lust followed sharply by fear that had her hand frozen at his belly button. He wasn't a small man, fully aroused and thrusting hard with need he was much larger than she would have guessed.

She stepped back shaking her head and trying to fight the fear she'd brought upon herself. "I am sorry I should not have. I was not trying to be a tease." Tears gathered in her eyes and she was turning away from him.

Gibbs slid into the bathrobe he'd carelessly left on the end of the bed before pulling her into his arms holding her tight. "Breathe Ziva"

"I had no right."

"You did nothing wrong Ziva." His body had raged for release at her touch but now her grief cooled him and as he drew her into the bed next to him there was no urgent demand. At the least not one he couldn't ignore.

"I made you..uncomfortable and that is not fair."

"You aroused me Ziva. Your touch was welcome and yes my body wants you. But, my mind knows without a doubt that you need far more time. I have said it before I am not ruled by what my body wants. If looking at me, touching me at your discretion helps you to become comfortable with me then of course it is welcome. You have no reason to apologize."

She hiccupped as she fought past the stress of a body and mind still fragmented. "You need and I cannot relieve that need. Would it help for you to find someone?"

"Stop Ziva don't say it." He had to lift her chin so she would look at him. "You are worthy of my patience Ziva. You are worthy of my fidelity and whatever time it takes for us to come together. No woman could replace you not even for a moment of simple release."

"You are angry with me."

"No Ziva simply frustrated that you don't understand your worth. But then I don't think you've ever been taught how too. You are strong, a warrior, a soldier and so many other things. But no one has ever allowed you to be the woman you really are. I intend to fix that."

"I wanted to touch you. Know what it feels like to feel you as mine. But I am not ready."

"That honesty Ziva as I said before is what means you will heal. When, you are ready and not before."

"Yet still there are things you want but do not share with me. It bothers me." She saw him smile. That crooked grin that never failed to force her own, even now.

"I hold back Ziva because I don't want to pressure you with what's in my head." The slightest frown marred her forehead and he found his fingers stroking her brow.

"You promised me honesty Jethro. You are not lying but you are omitting. I would like you to tell me what it is you think you cannot say to me."

He looked into her eyes seeing the trust she had for him and wondering how she had any left at all. "I want to marry you Ziva. I want to make you mine. And if I'm being honest I don't want to wait. More than being with you in any physical way I want to know you will always be with me."

Ziva drew in a sharp breath. The absolute certainty in his words was loud and clear. The madness that frequently floated through her mind stilled as he touched the skin at her temples. He wasn't quite looking at her. His eyes darted here and there and she almost laughed that it was her turn to touch his jaw and force his gaze to her. "You mean this yes?

"Despite knowing I shouldn't tell you so, that it's too soon and could possibly do you more harm than good. Yes I mean it more than you can know." He watched tears gather in her eyes, the rough way she pulled in a breath and started to pull back.

"Being so wanted by a man such as you Jethro could never do me harm. It is hard to understand and even believe but it is far from hurt I feel."

"I loved you before I allowed myself to understand it Ziva or see it for what it was. It's why when you left I couldn't deal with it, why I waited so long to look for you. I knew if I found you I would need to know if you could want me too. And when I knew you were missing, possibly dead." His voice caught and he was forced to swallow hard fighting bile, mistakes and rage. "I spent every spare moment looking for you and preparing my body to fight for you. I knew that even then if it wasn't me you wanted I could manage if I at least knew you were safe."

"I haven't just wanted you Jethro. If I had thought that all I needed from you could have been sated by a night in your bed I would have showed up at your home with just that intent long ago. But I knew even before, that what I wanted wasn't simple. I thought that meant it would be too much for you." She looked down between them where there hands came together. "Of course I would marry you Jethro but I am a broken woman. One who cannot even be a proper wife. I would say yes now and marry you before we even left this island but I cannot imagine you in a life so full of uncertainty."

He stroked her cheek. "There is no uncertainty Ziva. As much as my insecurities might like to tell me I see love in your eyes. If I could never be with you physically I would still love you this way. Of that you should have no doubt."

Ziva couldn't fight the sob that pushed out of her lips. "You are a gift Jethro one I have trouble remembering I deserve. Yet you show me each day that I am worthy just as you worried"

"Is that a yes then?" He quirked a grin at her and laughed when she blushed. For just a moment there was the echo of the woman he'd known before. Quickly he shut that out. She was this woman now and he wouldn't do her the disservice of forgetting that.

Ziva bit her lip once again aimlessly tracing the small bit of his chest the robe revealed. "I should say no." she pressed her hand against him where his heart was thudding just beneath her palm. "And yet somehow I find myself saying Yes." She smiled back at him and felt joy rushing through her veins. In the moment she believed that even her redemption was possible.


	11. When Fear is Overcome

Ziva stood staring at the beach feeling the rush of the ocean on her toes. The wash of the sea on her feet and the breeze across her skin had her smiling. Abby stood beside her, the rest of the team and Jackson sat on the beach behind them.

"You look happy Ziva. Pardon me for saying so but for the first time since you've come back you look really happy?" Abby knew the question in her voice was obvious

Ziva dove into the water letting it wash over her body cleansing her despite the rash guard that had eased her fears. When she surfaced she splashed Abby relishing the laughter. "I love him Abby, and he loves me, It was there before this but for some reason now we find a way to admit it."

"I'm glad you were able to tell each other." Abby didn't have to be reminded to be careful with what she said to Ziva. Any other time, she might not have censured her words but now she let caution take the lead. Zia wouldn't want to admit it but she was fragile and so Abby tempered her normally exuberant self in order to give her the room she needed.

"He wants to marry me. I told him yes but I am not entirely sure it was the right thing to do." She saw Abby's grin and the way she stepped forward before pausing and settling into a soft bounce in the seawater.

Abby shook her head. "Gibbs never does anything he doesn't mean Ziva. You two were meant to be from the beginning even if you had a rough start. It has always been there. But for a long time there was just too much in the way. Nearly losing each other was the only way you both going to see it. Though if I'm honest I wish it hadn't been so drastic."

Ziva gave her a rough smile before nodding. "I worry because I cannot; physically I am not ready to be a wife."

"Do you really believe that matters to him? You might take this wrong but he watches you so closely. He knows or at least it seems he knows what you need more than anyone else. If I thought for a moment that would be a cause of concern I would tell you to wait. But I look at him and I see how he looks at you. It's about you. The woman you are, the fact you survived and are still here. The rest will come in its own time. And even if it didn't I swear I don't think it would matter to him. I don't know why I can say that I just know him. But ignoring all that, I look at you and I know you'll come back from this Ziva. You're further now than I would be in the same situation." She saw Ziva turn to argue and shook her head. "I'm not as strong as you Ziva. It's not something I like admitting but it's the truth. What you went through I can only imagine and I won't ask you to explain unless you want to. But what I can imagine is enough for me to know if it were me I wouldn't be standing where you are."

"It doesn't make you weak Abby."

"No it doesn't, but, it recognizes just how much it has taken for you to be where you are. And you have to believe that you will continue to come back from this. Someday your life will return to something close to normal. Not what you knew before but something like it and that will be enough and good."

"Gibbs says very much the same thing. Which is why, I said yes to him. You honestly believe I can be the woman he needs?"

Abby smiled before draping her arm slowly around Ziva's shoulder. "You already are and I would tell you different if it were the case. I wouldn't lie to you." She smiled back when Ziva offered her the same.

"Thank you Abby. I have not always.."

"Stop that's done and we're here now." Abby led them toward the shore and back towards the men watching them in the fading sun. "So that just leaves us with finding you a dress." The soft laughter from Ziva was enough to have her joining in.

The next evening Ziva found herself standing by the beach with the people that mattered most in her life surrounding her. Somehow in the matter of twenty four hours Gibbs had managed to put together something beautiful.

A softly arching bow of flowers and vines curved around them. Of her own volition Abby wore the softest pink as she stood beside Ziva. Jackson had walked her down the aisle in her soft white dress. And Tony and McGee stood by Gibbs smiling as though the hurried wedding were the most natural thing in the world. And, Gibbs waited without the slightest hint of nerves as the officiant said the words that bound them together. It was with both clarity and a hazy sense of joy that she repeated her vows. Her bare feet followed his step for step as they ran through the sand to the large feast set up at the local restaurant only a few yards away. The ring on her finger the most simple of silver bands with a blue stone that matched perfectly his eyes had tears stinging her own. She stopped abruptly. Gently she grasped the lapels of his casual linen shirt. "It was perfect Jethro. In every way, I do not know how you managed it but it was exactly what I needed, what I would have wanted had you asked."

Gibbs felt a sense of relief, mixed with a happiness he'd only hoped for flush through him. "I'm glad it wasn't too much for you."

"No Jethro it was just right."

Somehow there was cake and champagne, both of which Ziva indulged in but only the smallest amount. She wasn't ready to lose her head even among people she trusted. Strangers here and there stepped up and offered their congratulations. It startled Ziva nearly every time yet Gibbs stayed nearby her calming as always. As a group they'd wandered down the beach suddenly she heard a loud bang and even before she could flinch she saw a shower of lights in the sky.

The cascade of fireworks was enough to settle her. A quick glance at Gibbs and she saw the same surprise she felt. "You did not arrange this?"

"That would be me Ziva?" Tony saw the very real smile on her face and recognized it as one she might have offered before hell had descended on all of them. It made every penny he'd spent more than worth it. "You guys deserved something special." Suddenly he was caught in a hug so fierce and tight he had to fight the burning tears in his eyes.

"Thank you Tony, it means more than you know."

Gibbs gave Tony a nod that couldn't convey the depth of his gratitude he felt. Tonight Ziva had showed more happiness then he'd seen since her return. Her hand tucked into his even as her head did the same into the crook of his neck. Together they watched the fire showers the sky until the last explosions cascaded in a shower of gold and blue so bright they'd never be forgotten.

Another forty five minutes and they were stepping into their cottage shaking birdseed and flower petals out of their hair. Ziva set aside her bouquet the one she'd insisted on keeping despite tradition. Gibbs had wanted to carry her over the threshold but instead she'd pointed out that should wait until they were back at his home.

For a moment he felt just the slightest bit awkward as she began pulling flowers from her hair. He shook it off as he helped her. Only when her hair was tumbling around her did she turn back to him. He expected hesitancy or something close when she looked at him. Instead he saw joy and felt the stroke of her fingers on his jaw.

"I love you Jethro and though I should be nervous and feel guilty about what I cannot do tonight. Instead I choose to believe what you tell me and simple say that I would like to lay with you. Just have you hold me and know that it is enough." Ziva felt the creep of doubt try to bite at her heels instead she ignored it and pushed away the nightmare that had been the last few months before returning home. Suddenly she felt Gibbs pressing his mouth ever so gently to the hollow of her neck.

"That is the best gift you could give me tonight Ziva. I just need you the woman you are, your love and that woman accepting that I love her. Everything else …" He felt the hot burn of grief splash against his cheek and the softness of her skin. He couldn't say why it was hitting him so hard in this moment. But, as her arms wrapped around him it broke through silently marking them both.

Ziva felt his tears and the hot streak of her own matched his, traced a path down her face. She known he'd been fighting his own grief and even a guilt he hadn't earned. She couldn't take it from him. But she could stand here in her wedding white reminding him she wouldn't leave him again. "I love you Jethro, before everything, after it all, now and for the rest of the days I breathe."

Gibbs knew that he'd lost his grip on the strength he'd so carefully clung to. But it mattered little even as they moved toward the bed and fell to the bed wrapped in each other's arms. He savored the strength of her heartbeat, the brush of her breath against his jaw and the sound of his name on her lips as he knew with certainly she was finally his. Finally she was as safe as he could make her.

Ziva held Gibbs for a long time. Awake even after his breathing had evened and he'd fallen asleep. Somehow the next few hours with the moon filtering through their window and the acceptance of the man in her arms she found something resembling strength. She'd never be the woman she was but it didn't matter since she had a family of her own making and a man that loved her enough to accept her just as she was.

Ziva woke for the first time in Gibbs' home as his wife. The two of them had spent an extra week in Hawaii after the team had left. After almost a month in the islands, she felt like an entirely different woman. She had the dark kiss of many days in the sun on her skin, the warmth of knowing Gibbs was hers and the acceptance of her team. That along with the strength she had once known that was finally returning she felt the echo of the woman she had known. She rose from bed, grateful she'd bathed the night before she dressed and braided her hair. The tan cargos and black shirt were nothing like the floral dresses and feminine shirts she'd favored until today. However they were a reminder of who she had been. They gave her the extra push of confidence she would need.

She intended to go into work with Gibbs this afternoon. He'd informed her he was only working half days for a while. She'd wanted to object but the words wouldn't come, instead she'd been grateful he'd recognized what she needed. She stepped into the kitchen surprised but not bothered when she found Tony.

"Good morning Ziva, didn't mean to intrude. Just needed to fill Gibbs in on a few things." He accepted the hug she gave him and munched on the piece of toast Gibbs had offered.

Gibbs was about to tell Ziva the news that her citizenship papers had been pushed through. A gift from Vance, and likely one that had cost a ton of favors. Gibbs had gotten the call only an hour earlier. But, before he could, there was a knock at the door. Assuming it was McGee with his own version of a check in he opened the door. The fierce burn of rage rushed through him when he saw the man standing in his doorway. Eli David stood in the morning sun looking as though he felt he belonged just where he was.


	12. Back to Life

Ziva felt the tenseness that ran through Tony, saw it amplified in the set of Gibbs' shoulders but she didn't feel the fear she would have expected. She trusted both of them and her own abilities to keep her safe. The knife at her waist gave her further comfort. Stepping forward she took a silent breath of relief as Gibbs stepped to her side but didn't stop her approach. "Eli. I would have expected you to be working rather than visiting someone assumed dead and gone."

Gibbs fisted the hands that had landed in his pockets doing his best not to take the gun at his waist and kill the man before him. Instead he took his lead from the cool collected woman by his side. She looked every inch the woman she had been. The bruises had long faded and the scars that remained visible only made her look stronger to anyone who didn't know their cost.

Tony stood just steps behind Ziva. The gun at his waist rested against his palm hidden only by the lightweight jacket he wore.

Eli David had expected a woman far more broken then the one in front of him. The rumors he'd heard had forced him to the states to see just how far she'd fallen. He would never admit the shock he felt at the strong woman that stood before him much as she had not so long ago. She was far too much like her mother, knew too much about him and add to that couldn't be controlled. She was in essence a liability for him. Yet she stood alive, well and nothing close to broken. If anything her strength seemed a slap in the face of all he'd hoped to accomplish months earlier.

"Are you going to invite me in?" he expected her to hesitate instead she pulled open the screen door without the slightest hint of hesitancy.

"Of course we were just about to have breakfast. " Ziva gave a clear glance to the guards that accompanied him to remain outside.

Eli felt the brush of pure hatred as he stepped between the two men who had remained silent sentries. It wasn't comfortable but he needed Ziva back in the fold. He had regrets they bit at him, the fact she lived. She was the child he'd controlled until the loss of Ari then, she'd been lost to him. Now he had too much to lose with all she knew. He accepted the cup of coffee she'd poured for him grateful he'd watched her drink from the same batch she'd given him.

"You look well Ziva."

"Thank you my honeymoon treated me well. "

Tony watched the gauntlet Ziva threw down settle in the other man. The chill as he registered what she said had Eli standing straighter. He saw Gibbs' look knew they needed to take their lead from Ziva but as Eli's infuriated gaze landed on him he wasn't sure how long he could remain silent. That cold gaze shifted to Ziva full of hate and anger. "Marriage Ziva? I did not think a woman such as you would find such an arrangement."

Gibbs couldn't hold back his voice in any longer. "Not an arrangement Eli, a meeting of souls…an undeniable connection. One that took far too long to recognize." The only reason he could say such words in mixed company was the knowledge that he would catch Eli off guard. That it would give Ziva the reminder that he had no doubts.

"Tony is not my husband. Jethro is, has always been, my choice." She saw the anger her father tried to hide.

"You need to return to your home Ziva. " he set down the coffee cup purposely ignoring the fact no one had sat down even after they had moved to the kitchen.

"My home is here with Jethro. As my husband I choose him." Ziva felt her words resound off the walls, comfort the men at her side and startle the one she'd spent most of her life trying to please.

"The desert makes us do funny things Ziva. In a year from now you may not feel the same. Israel, I…am your home."

Gibbs stepped closer to Ziva taking her hand in his. He knew that her limits were being reached but he wouldn't shame her front of the man who had cost her so much. "Ziva is a US citizen and my wife she belongs with me. She is mine and mine alone. She goes only where she chooses."

Ziva clenched his hand tightly anchoring to his strength and the knowledge that her papers had come through. The shock in her father's eyes was worth whatever this moment might cost her later. "I have no intention of ever returning to Israel and should I ever end up there everyone here will know it was not of my own will."

Eli started to step towards her, his anger so raw and unchecked that at first he forgot the men that surrounded her. Even more he forgot how capable she was; especially when she'd determined that someone wasn't to be trusted. And as she looked at him he knew she no longer considered him trust-worthy.

"You should leave now Eli. I am sure you will continue to have business with NCIS; however I will not be a part of that business. I have no desire to have any further contact with you." She looked down into the coffee cup. "I have learned something from my time in the desert."

Gibbs felt the faintest shake of her hand before she was pulling away from him and moving a few steps closer to Eli. That simple closeness was nearly his undoing but if she could tolerate it so could he.

Tony watched Ziva stand taller, shoulders straight and a sudden grim smile on her face as she stepped just a tad too close to her father. Somehow he kept his temper in check as she lifted her chin to face him.

"I learned contingency plans are necessary. Having a failsafe in place is important. A hard lesson learned but one I have taken to heart. I've learned a lot through my years, about my friends, enemies, family…. Thankfully I have made sure to keep this knowledge safe somewhere. Just in case something should happen to me, at least I know that all that knowledge won't go to waste."

Gibbs watched a shudder of fear run through Eli and had to fight the glance that would ask Ziva just what she had on her father. Silence threatened to break them all as Eli took in a deep not so silent breath before nodding.

"If you have no wish to see me again it can be easily arraigned. But, then you will do to remember you will never have my aid should you have need of it." He saw something close to revulsion on Ziva's face then she smiled a look more dangerous than he'd seen before.

"I have not had that in years Eli; there will be no further misconceptions about you in the future." She followed casually behind him as he walked to the door. "Good by Eli, I will remember all you have taught me and put it to good use should the need arise." The warning followed her father as he walked out the door of what was now her home. Only when she heard the car drive off could she truly breathe again.

She stood against the door breathing deeply, fighting the nausea that had taken hold the moment she's seen her father standing in the doorway. It took effort but she managed to look at Gibbs and Tony. "I'm alright. I was caught off guard but I am ok." She fixed Gibbs with a pointed look. "I am still going to NCIS with you. I do not intend to work but I need to speak with Vance and a few other people."

Gibbs knew she expected his argument. Instead he nodded. She was ready. More than that she needed something he could give her. It was the very least he could do for her.

Ziva stepped into NCIS as everyone was returning from lunch. It took more than she was willing to admit to step off the elevator. On the outside she knew she looked mostly the same. She was thinner, her hair was longer and there were more scars but otherwise she was mostly the same woman. Except for the fact almost everyone casually watching had at least an idea of what she'd endured in the hell that was desert and dark places. She managed a smile she knew would pass, caught unawares by how naked she felt. Only when she thought she might turn and run did she feel Gibbs hand in hers stroking her ring and bringing that very hand to his lips.

Gibbs saw her surprise when he let his lips stroke across the top of her hand and the ring he had placed there only weeks ago. Things had shifted so dramatically he no longer cared who knew. She was his choice and he was damn sure going to make sure she knew it without a doubt. He followed the simple gesture up with a brief kiss on her lips then despite how difficult it was he let go of her he turned away and headed for his desk, showing her the best way he knew, that she was stronger than she knew.

Ziva couldn't fight the smile as Gibbs moved toward his desk. His confidence in her gave her the push she needed to ignore her former desk and instead offer the occasional nod as she made her way up the stairs to Vance's office. She waited for entry and only when she'd made small talk with his secretary and finally in his office did she finally feel the slightest bit relaxed.

Vance bit hard on the small piece of wood in his mouth. He'd long ago gotten past his craving for nicotine. But, now it was a habit he couldn't shake, far healthier to be fair. He waited quietly as Ziva assessed his office reacquainting herself with his it after her time away. She managed a smile his way before shoving her hands in her pockets.

"Thank you for the paperwork. I know you had to.."

"It was no hardship Ziva. Please sit down." He took his own chair first trying his best to make her more comfortable. Gibbs hadn't given him any details in fact he knew only the teams basic debrief. It had been left at that and he wasn't about to sit across from her and ask more. If one looked closely enough it was all there to see. Not just the scars but everything else that had taken her from the woman he thought too jaded to be part of a team to the one nervously sitting across from him now.

"Still at the very least I owe you a thank you for that and so much more." She took a deep breath before trying to find the words she didn't know how to say. "I cannot, am not ready to return to work. At this point I do not plan to at all. Instead my focus is on other things."

"You're always welcome back Ziva but I didn't plan on asking. Right now your focus should be on you." He watched with something a step beyond shock as tears welled in her eyes. They moved him more than he might have thought, so much so he was forced to move to the chair beside her. Carefully because he wasn't a fool but close enough she wouldn't feel so vulnerable. "I want you to do what you need right now, but I don't want you to feel you aren't welcome here."

Ziva worked at wiping away her tears annoyed but not entirely surprised that she couldn't fight them. "Right now I want to focus on being me, a wife and maybe someday a mother." She watched him pause, look down at her fingers nervously dancing along his desk and then the smile that split his face.

"Congratulations Ziva. I always wondered when you and Gibbs would figure it out."

"He told you?"

"No, neither of you had to. I saw it a long time ago. When you were gone….I wondered. When I found out you all went to Hawaii I figured it might happen." He settled back in his chair taking a moment just to breathe. "He wasn't the same when you were gone. None of them were."

"A lot of my actions led to what happened Vance, I have no illusions."

"Maybe, but you didn't deserve what happened to you Ziva. In no way was what happened right. And I know that husband of yours has told you that at least once. My wife… she survived an assault years ago, before she met me. And I know for a long time she blamed herself. I can't stop you from doing that but I can tell you that no woman deserves what you went through." He took her hand when the tears flowed just that much more. "I don't need to know your secrets, or you're the details, that's yours but if you ever need to talk my wife has asked, closer to demanded for the chance to talk with you. Now that you're back, fair warning she may show up one day on your doorstep."

"I would not want to bring it back for her. I would not want her to relieve those memories." Ziva shuddered and without realizing time had passed took the glass of water Vance offered her.

Vance bit back the fact that nothing truly erased the memories and instead focused on the qualities Ziva would recognize in his wife. "She likes to help Ziva, she likes to nurture and if she can help you in any way it will be no hardship for her. But there is a bigger issue we should discuss first."

Ziva rid herself of her grief and straightened her spine. "My father. He came to our home this morning."

Vance clenched his fists around the wood of the chair doing his best to ignore the fear she tried to hide. He managed a nod and let her continue.

"I made it clear I wanted no further contact with him. That should however have no influence on your dealings with him. Israel must continue to be an ally with NCIS."

Vance had a thousand protests, so many words that wanted to spew forth instead he forced himself to nod in agreement. He saw her smile, a real smile that warmed him for the briefest moments.

"Thank you."

"For what Ziva, agreeing to continue to work with a man that lacks any and all integrity?"

"For trusting me to know how the world works and what is really important. Israel needs all the help it can get. My father might not be a good man, but he loves his country and would obviously do anything he thinks is necessary to keep it safe. It is the one, the only thing we can agree on." She stayed quiet for a moment. "I would appreciate any warning that you have when he will be in town if possible. And if you would tell Jacki that at some point…I don't know when maybe we could have coffee I would appreciate it." It hurt to say it all, to admit her hurt and the fact she might need help. But she knew the effort would pay off in the end.

Vance stood when she did, hiding his shock at her statement. She offered her hand and very slowly he moved for a hug instead. He wasn't a demonstrative man but she accepted his very gentle and brief embrace without hesitation. "I'll tell her and if you need anything let me know."

Ziva knew he meant it and managed an equally assuring nod. She walked out of his office toward the elevator and rode her way down to the morgue where she knew Ducky waited. As she stepped out she knew he'd be waiting for her. Palmer was gone and the morgue was as quiet as one might expect. Somehow the tea was nice and hot and as she sat next to him he didn't hold any anger or recrimination in his eyes.

Ducky laid his old eyes upon her and saw the guilt she was fighting. He didn't bother to argue it; instead he let her work through it on her own. He saw the marks around her neck, the ones around her wrists as she reached for the fine china he indulged in even in this macabre place. She wasn't the woman she had been, instead she reminded him much of the deer his family had hunted. Watchful, and skittish just waiting to be torn down in a moment.

"I wanted to see you sooner." Ziva managed those words and nothing more before she sought refuge in a sip of early grey and the slightest bit of sugar. The fact he'd remembered almost had tears working her again.

Ducky smiled. "You needed time dear. I understand that." And he did there was no upset or judgement when he looked at her, not even when he recognized the ring on her finger as one that matched the rumors that had drifted down to him only an hour earlier.

"I couldn't…" she took a long ragged breath before she could continue. "I knew you would see it all and I couldn't let that be all you'd see of me." This time the nausea overruled the tears that warred within her and she had to swallow multiple times before finding her way to meet his eyes.

"I just see you Ziva, the woman I always knew. You are not the same exact woman that is true. But I see past the scars and all that happened I see you. And everything else I don't need to know as long as you promise me you have or will see a doctor." The tension in her slight frame eased and he too was able to relax.

"Jethro took me to a doctor. I will see her again in a week." She shook her head. "I know he has likely shared my file anyways."

Ducky shook his head, "No Ziva, Jethro has shared nothing with me whatsoever. That, I can promise you." The way she looked at him told him she clearly hadn't expected that.

"He didn't?"

"I just thought."

"From the ring you're wearing and the rumors I've already heard my guess is that you have no need to worry about your secrets when it comes to Jethro."

Ziva bit hard on her lip nearly drawing blood before she finally found the will to speak again. "The doctor I heard her tell Jethro that it was equally important that he talk to someone about all that has happened with me as it is for me. I will tell him as I am telling you now. If he wants to talk to you I have no objection. Anything he wishes to discuss…you have my permission. I do not think he would go to a stranger any more than I would. But if he should choose you may tell him…" her words trailed off as her throat closed in anxiety.

"Ziva should he come to me you should know nothing he shares with me will ever go any further nor will it change how I see you." She nodded but he wasn't entirely convinced. "We've all survived our own hell my child, and it's never easy to come back from. But when we do we're all the stronger for it."

Ziva nodded knowing he spoke from his own hurts. She didn't ask just as she knew he would never ask her even if Gibbs never came to him. She stood and gladly accepted the tight hug he offered. "Thank you Ducky, one of these days things will return to normal…"

"Not normal Ziva. That's the advice I feel comfortable giving you. Not normal or at least not the normal you knew. But you will find your way that much I can tell you. It will get better you just have to give it time."

Ziva took his words to heart as she rode the elevator back up to a world now long lost to her.


End file.
